EARLY STRUGGLES: PART I

As I lay here in bed I begin to think how to express my emotions and the struggles I faced early on in my Air Force career.  Now keep in mind, I entered Basic Training in June 2011 just before DADT was officially repealed.  Getting off the bus at like 2am on Tuesday, I felt my heartbeat through my chest.  All of us rushing to those now infamous dots that everyone remembers from the old dorms prior to the "Superdorms" being built.  I tried to keep my calm and just focus on what the TI was saying.  Bags down, bags up, bags down.  It was like an annoying game of monkey see monkey do.  

There I was.  A smart-mouthed 19-year old who was annoyed and staring straight ahead with my resting bitch face.  I thought to myself.  "What did I get myself into?"  As the days went by I eventually got used to the routine.  Waking up at 5am.  Going to the track and doing morning PT.  Breakfast.  Learning to fold the bed sheets with the hospital corners.  Then one evening when we were learning to recite the Airman's Creed I stumbled on a few lines and was called out for it.  My TI began to yell and I forgot my reporting statement.  

He became more flustered and called me into the office and had me stand in front of him as he sat back in his chair... he looked back at me and asked what is wrong with you, why do you feel the need to back talk.  As I began to try to explain myself... this time i remembered my reporting statement, I told him I was nervous and just forgot it.  In a very bold move he asked me "is it because you are different?"  My smart ass replied "everyone is different"  He replied "so you feel uncomfortable around other men"  I snarked back and said "no, i never said that you're putting words in my mouth"  I knew where he was going with this so I played his game.  Realizing what I was doing he began to yell profusely and tried to corner me in this back and forth game.  He finally gave up and said I don't know what to do with you; send you home or keep you here.  Being the rebel I was "send me home then."  His eyes opened and he was speechless.  I don't think he ever expected me to come back at him like that but I did.  After about 2 minutes; the longest 2 minutes of my life.  He stood up and said.  "Im keeping you here.  You will experience hell as long as I am around.  And you will graduate... eventually"  

That was the first incident where I felt like I was being attacked for being myself.  And granted you're probably reading this and thinking I deserved it but when if you were in my place.  You would defend yourself too.  I didn't join the Air Force to be attacked for being "different" as he liked to say.  Because he couldn't ask me if I was gay.... then I could get him in a shit ton of trouble.  Although this was my first taste of the hostility against myself and other gay members in my flight.  It would not be my last...

*** THE TI ABOVE WILL NOT BE NAMED BUT THAT INDIVIDUAL IS NO LONGER IN THE AIR FORCE***