FIRST DUTY STATION AND THE ACCEPTING OF ME

When I arrived to McGuire AFB Feb 14th 2012.  It was a whole new world for me.  The emotions ran high as I pulled through the gate.  So many things going through my head.  Whats it like here?  Will the people be nice?  Will I be accepted?  Is it bad like tech school and basic?  My answers would all come full circle and be answered within the next month that I was there.

The truth is, is that it wasn't so bad but like anything else, it gets better with time.  I was working for a good team in Family Health.  1 provider and the 4 of us airman.  I'll admit it was still kinda stressful getting to know the ropes but I got used to it after awhile.  I didn't come out to them until about 2 weeks later and they were fine with it.  It was a refreshing feeling.  Being accepted.  Not being a "minority" per say but being one with others.  As I said before in earlier posts.  I was bullied in middle and high school.  Was harassed by my TI in basic and was told cruel things in tech school.  This was the first time in my life.  I was "normal" for being different.  Where people looked at me for the amount of work that I put in.  Rather than I was a gay guy who likes guys.  Then again, there were so many gay guys and lesbians in the clinic.  I think I was just another added to the pot.

For anybody that is gay or lesbian that is scared to go to their first base because of being shunned for being different.  I challenge you to be yourself.  To let people know who you are.  I think when we hide behind a mask is when we are most vulnerable and tend to perform less than what we are truly capable of.  Its better to be yourself and comfortable with your surroundings.  Once its out in the open you can expand your horizons and own it.  At first I didn't think of myself as a stellar airman but with all honesty.  When you have great supervisors who sit down with you and actually truly care about you. They can guide you and make you into a better person.  I had 3 supervisors and each of them taught me something about myself and what I needed to improve on.  If theres anything I hope active duty members whether your enlisted or officer take from this post; is that when you show that you care, it makes a huge difference.  It shows that I'm not just another slot on the Unit Manning Document.  It shows a person and that I am an asset to the base.

After everyone in the clinic found out I was gay.  People accepted it and asked me a lot of questions.  Where should I take my girlfriend on date to?  Does this outfit look ok?  What do you think of my hair color?  It was funny because they were kinda stereotypical but I took them and ran with it.  I became very blunt while at McGuire.  But I think thats what people like about me.  Is that I'm blunt and not really afraid to hide how i truly feel.  Its something I've learned from my mom and grandma.  They are the most blunt people you will ever meet and hold nothing back.

But also my sense of humor and my obnoxious laugh.   Literally, I would be on the other side of the clinic and people down the hall would hear me.  Im so loud when I laugh and it changes with what I'm laughing at.  I have an evil laugh, a bullshit laugh, i can't stop laughing one.  It varies but its contagious.   But its not my fault.  Most don't realize but I'm mostly deaf in my left ear.  Its a chronic hearing loss that Ive dealt with since high school.  I almost didn't make it into the air force because of it.  So I tend to be louder than what I need to be, but not on purpose

Over time I developed a good sense of working and managing my time.  I became Airman of the Quarter and later Airman of the Year for 2013.  The providers, and people I worked with helped me get to that level.  They say airman like its only you.. but in reality it should be team of the month and team of the year because no one can make it on their own.  You need guidance and great people to surround you to make it.  A support system.... well  more like... a family.  Thats what we all were.

To close this short post.  I again challenge every gay or lesbian to go to your first base and be who you really are.  Show your true colors... yes I totally just pulled my gay card and reference Cindi Lauper.. but dont hold back.  The moment you pretend to be something you're not is the moment they win because you hide behind a mask.  The moment we are free is when we have the greatest potential to make a statement, a mark and a legacy on the units we work in.

LOST... BUT ALMOST FOUND.

So over the past week I have had so much on my mind.  Between the near future and dealing with personal issues now.  It has been a whirlwind of a week.  So I apologize for not posting like usual.  Can you forgive me? :)

They say everything happens for a reason but things are really starting to hit me after being numb for the past 2 weeks.  I am leaving Oklahoma and being retrained in the next few months.  As exciting as this may seem.  It is also an off step from what my original plan was.  While in the middle of putting my commissioning package together back in mid-December I received a notification that I was being retrained as an IDMT; basically a Physician Assistant but no certification or anything.  Its an Air Force thing i guess.  Initially I was pissed and still kind of am bitter about the whole situation.  After 2 years of taking classes nonstop and working towards this moment, I was told by the Air Force no essentially.

Over the next few days I had tried to find every possible loophole to get out and continue my commissioning package.  But there was no alternative.  On the bright side, I can submit my package in 2 years and hopefully get picked up.  My dream for the past 3 years was to commission and become an officer but time and time again something always comes up or puts a delay on my personal timeline to get everything done.

Fast-forward ----> to last week.  I took my immunizations test and finally realized that this was happening. I  am leaving Oklahoma City in April and going to IDMT school for 3 months. And essentially moving to a new base in the fall.  Now your probably wondering what is wrong with that?  That sounds amazing.  Well it is.  But again, its not what I wanted to initially happen.  And now as January nears its end and February is soon to begin.  Everything is now hitting me and things are moving way faster than what I really thought would.  In February I have to start training my replacement and I also have to find a storage unit that will hold  my stuff while I am away.  There is no reason for me to pay rent while I'm not here.  It'll be nice to save money and bank off of what I can.

Personally I have finally realized that I will not be dating for a long time.  2017 will be such a  struggle to even comprehend a relationship on top of the training I will have to endure over the scorching summer not to mention the moving that will probably occur in the fall.  Its not that I am looking for a relationship but its always nice to call or text someone and tell them how my day is.  For the past year thats what I have done and its kinda lonely not hearing from someone that you kept in contact for so long and then all of a sudden be shut out.  I understand why he did it.  It was too painful to watch each other suffer knowing we couldn't be together because of the uncertain future.  While it may not have worked out... maybe in the next few months I'll hear from him and we can remain friends.  Thats what I would like atleast.  Sometimes we just need space away to move on and I understand that completely. Its "the space between."  I def needed a lot of space from my ex in the relationship prior; back in 2015.... that didn't end well but we have settled our issues and made amends...  WOW... I totally just went off topic sorta but I guess thats what I need to do.  Just kinda vent and get a few things off my chest.

Until I move and settle down at my new base.  It will seriously just be me and my friends and my family.  Nothing makes me happier than seeing the people I love and love me as equally back.  In March I will be returning to Philadelphia and seeing so many of my close friends that I haven't seen in a good while.  But I will also be getting more tattoos as well since the Air Force finally changed their tattoo policy.

So despite all the things running through my head and keeping me down.  There is light at the end of the tunnel... or as I see it... light at the end of 2017.  I will be looking forward to seeing my friends in a few weeks.  Attending my retraining and eventually moving to a different base.  Im praying to go back to the East Coast... Andrews, Dover, Langley. Any base in Florida or even Hawaii or Guam.  Basically somewhere near a beach.  

Everything happens for a reason...  I hope to find out the reason for all of this soon.

WEEKEND INTERLUDE:

The purpose of this blog is not to be a "woah is me" ordeal.  Its purpose is to share my stories and what I have been through; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Although the beginning seems rough and not the greatest of situations to be in.  Its something that has changed my life for me as a person, as an individual, and a human being.  Not every bad situation has to be negative.  It can be positive as well by learning what you did wrong or from a bad situation and make sure it never happens again.  That you take what you know now and use it for your benefit in the future.  Just like I hope everyone that reads this will use it for their use in the future.  Whether you are a random person reading this, a friend that I have know for years, another military member gay or straight, enlisted or officer.  We all can benefit from reading about my experiences and using it for future references.

Overall, this is a positive experience to share my stories and give all my readers a new perspective on what its like to be a minority.  To be gay. But also to openly serve in the United States Air Force.  While the early struggles depict a somewhat backlash from some.  I don't hate any of the individuals that put me through hell.  I welcome them back with open arms because not everyone in this world was raised the same way.  Not everyone grew up in the same areas.  Not everyone has the same ideas.  I respect that and hope that maybe one day I can help change their views and ideas on gay individuals in the military.  Some people can change but we have to be realistic and know that this change won't happen overnight.  It took years for DADT to be repealed.  It'll take days, months, and years to change ones ideology of me and others.

People will always hate the things they don't understand.  But I believe if we do have an understanding... then maybe they won't hate, but love...

EARLY STRUGGLES:  PART III

Going into tech school, I feared the unknown.  What was it going to be like?  How would the hours be?  What would my day be like?  Could I go home?

Right off the bat, the first day we were already told the first 6 weeks (EMT) were going to be challenging.  Learning so much EMT stuff in a crunched amount of time and then later 9 Weeks of nursing.  I must admit I was scared.  But after the first few days you kinda got used to it.  It was kind of like college but I was limited on time and everything I did throughout the day was on a schedule.  Pt in the morning on this nasty dirt field.  Legitimately it was supposed to be a football field with grass but its San Antonio, not much grass grows...  Not to mention PT was a joke.  We would do these random exercises and then run.... More exercises then run.  I understood we had to stay in shape but I was 5,10 and 145lbs.  I was good.  Other airmen... Not so much.  They needed to lay off the McD's and BK.  After pt we then class.  2 hours for lunch.  Most of which I napped.  Then more class.  Fort Sam was an interesting place but I liked how close it was to San Antonio and that you could see the skyline from the base track.  It was a beautiful sight to see at sunset.

Tech school was a challenge but thankfully I had 2 amazing instructors that were passionate and liked to teach and wanted us to succeed.  There were others who had different instructors that weren't so great.  Both of my instructors had a lot of background and experience and thankfully had stories to tie into the lessons that we learned on a daily basis.  That was the greatest gainer for me.  Tieing in real-life to what were talking about.  It gave me a great visual.  The first few tests I did fairly well in the high 80s/low 90s but after that I managed to get low 80s.  I was proud of myself.  When we first started we had maybe 30-35 people in our class and by the end we were down to 20.  It was amazing to see but sad because they were all such good people.  They tried, but just didn't make it.  On the weekends we had a 3am curfew for Friday and Saturday nights.  Most people went out and partied while I stayed back and studied or watched movies on my laptop.. yes this was before netflix was popular.  So we had to buy DVDs and play them.  It wasn't until after I passed registry the 2nd time that I went out and about in San Antonio.

Since I failed the first time and passed the second time.  I was separated from the people in my original class and placed in another one.  Granted most of the people in my class were great, there were also a bunch of assholes that didn't miss a moment to show that they didn't like me at all.  But luckily I had made a few good friends outside of my classes. Yazmin and Trevor.  Probably the greatest people in the schoolhouse aside from me haha.  I met them by ease-dropping and kinda budding in their conversation but I don't regret it.  Every Friday we would all go downtown to the riverwalk or Olive Garden or other places around the city.  It was a great time.  Going to Bonhams and dancing the night away. Tipping the male strippers.  Dancing in the main hall.  It was definitely the highlight of my tech school days hanging out with them.  But they graduated about a month before me and left.  It was sad but Trevor came back when I was going through clinicals.

After they left life became a little rough.  Granted I got to go home for my sister's wedding and surprised everyone but some of my classmates were just rude and obnoxious.  They would say some things to me and granted I took it and brushed it off but it just seemed some of the instructors were on their side more than mine.  Some of us had our suspicions as to why but I won't discuss that right now.  Some people are still in the Air Force and I'd rather not open a can of worms.  The people in my class would interrupt me while I was asking questions.  Make snark remarks or had a few code names for me that I eventually caught on to.  Or my favorite is when we had to go everywhere in our SMUs (small marching unit) and they kept saying that they didn't want me behind them because they were afraid.  Finally I had just had it and said "fuck you douchebags" and walked on.  I don't think they saw that coming.  All 3 of their mouths had dropped and I marched alone.  At that point I became an asshole and became petty towards them to make it even.

Eventually time went by and I graduated tech school  Returning to Security Hill at Lackland where I would continue my career progression.  The dorms weren't that great and neither was the chow hall...  But the view from the park at the peak of the hill was amazing.  You could see the whole airfield and San Antonio skyline. I sometimes would wake up in the middle of the night and sit on the swings and look out at the city and wonder where I would end up.  Is this what I wanted to do...  It was a lonely time for me.  All of my friends that were at Lackland for tech school had left.  My friends from Fort Sam went on...   It was just me on the swing looking out into the horizon listening to my iPod and texting whoever was up at that ungodly hour.  A few responses would make me smile, while the sleepers would make me frown but there wasn't much I could do.  Although I was lonely, I felt most of my problems were starting to dwindle.  No longer around negative people.  No longer around the Nursing instructors that I had who were very biased about my ordeal with the negative.  It was an uplifting feeling but I would only learn that just because you feel like its over... Doesn't mean that it really is.  BAMC... now SAMMC was another wall to climb.  Another step.  Another triumph.  Another day in the Air Force...

"ROCKY" AND THE TIES BETWEEN US

The last weekend I spent with my dad before he died, I stayed with him in the hospital all weekend (October 2003).  Just me and him, talking about the future and what he wanted to do when he was better.  During that time we flipped channels and watched a number of movies.  But 2 of them stuck out to me; Rocky and Rocky II.  Now you're probably wondering why those movies? Sly Stallone?  Boxing?... Well to be completely honest they were the last movies we watched together.  

                                       

During the commercials my dad would talk about how much he loved those movies and how one day he would love to go to Philadelphia...  But the more I watched the movies, the more I began to relate to it.  At the time, I was in the 7th grade and at a low point because literally, all I wanted to do was spend time with him in the hospital.  I could care less what my grades were or about homework.  People doubted me in class, even some of my teachers but I fought back and brought my grades up eventually.  I was also struggling with the harsh reality that there was a chance my dad one day would never come home, but I was fighting and praying that everything would be ok.  Yes.. I know I was only 12 but sometimes you have to grow up and think about reality....  I did that at a very young age.  I grew up.    

By the time both the movies ended I was so pumped like every other man in the world that watched those movies and wanted to do something amazing.  My dad saw the spark in my eyes.  Watching Rocky lose then come back and win... it was an amazing storyline.  To show that not everyone wins but can make a comeback was just awesome.   My dad turned and looked at me and said "never quit because the things you want to accomplish are right in front of you.. coprende?"  Of course I said "yes coprende"  That has stuck with me since then.  Through every struggle, injury, class, task, that has stuck with me.  When I want to quit, I hear my dads voice say that to me and I keep on going. When I finally made it to Philadelphia in August 2012... its like everything came full circle and running up the Museum of Art stairs was my gift back to my dad.  I finally made it and experienced the best view you could possibly imagine.  When you're up there and you see the Philadelphia skyline.. its a gateway to endless possibilities. That will always be my favorite place ever.  One day.. and yes i know this is cheesy as hell but one day I wanna get proposed to up there..... But that won't happen for a long time hahaha. 

Unfortunately and sadly, my dad lost his fight to his health issues about a week after we watched those movies together.  My dad fought long and hard for years; being in and out of the hospital.  He was a true champion going in the ring for that long and fighting for his life.  Getting knocked down and returning to the hospital.  And getting back up to fight and come back home to us.  His struggle and fight is what motivates me to keep pushing and moving forward.  

Its really crazy; the day before my dad died my mom and I were in the yard cleaning up and we noticed a rainbow halo above our house.  Not knowing that it was a sign, we both were just fascinated by it and its rare beauty.  We didn't know what the meaning was until the next day when my mother answered the phone and the scream I heard that would change my life forever....  

Although he is gone.  He is always with me.  The sirens and train horn I heard when I graduated BMT is the best sign he could have given me that he was there.  But most of all he was and always will be my champion that I look up to.  Despite going round after round with his health issues.  He fought long and hard to get back up and come back home to us.  His last fight was not a loss but a win for him to be in a better place.  I sometimes still get angry and greedy wishing he was here.  But its selfish in a way because of everything he went through.  Now he's somewhere up in the clouds without any pain or suffering.  He's up there watching me and my family day by day.  I will close this post with this...

"You, me, or nobody is gonna hit hard as life.  But it ain't about how hard you hit.  It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.  How much you can take and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done"  -Rocky Balboa

EARLY STRUGGLES: PART II

After that night of being questioned for being different I soon began to feel some sort of hatred from him.  Everyday for the next 2 weeks my TI called me out for the littlest things.  Whether it was that my hat was at a slight angle, my bed wasn't good enough, or he would grill me with question after question on the dots.  Granted I was in basic and thats what they were supposed to do but I feared that members of my flight would catch on and begin to ask questions.  And after a week they did.  But of course while I was in basic training I said no.  Fearing that I would get bars of soap flung at me..... "full metal jacket" reference.

Week 3 of BMT came around and we soon learned that we were getting new TIs.  They did not explain what was going on but I was saying "thank you god" in my head the whole time they were talking.  I honestly didn't hear a damn thing they said. I was just more focused on the fact that we were getting new TIs and that I would be able to push through basic training without being singled out anymore.  Most of y'all are reading this like "what a pussy" but the fact is, is that I dealt with that motherfucker for 3 weeks.  Being singled out everyday and he would make nonchalant comments to me when we were all in the shower doing our "carwash roulette"  Basically we all walk through the circle of showers and soak ourselves with soap and wash/rinse.  "keep moving men... eyes up" or "don't look down" "hurry up!  not much for you to see"  I felt so small in a world so big.  So when he left, I felt like a door opened up and I must say that I succeeded and surpassed a lot of people's expectations.  Thankfully I never saw that TI again, but he had is day...  I read in the headlines about the Lackland scandals and his name was in there.  But at the same time I've always felt a sense of guilt because what if there was something I could have done to prevent what had happened.  Could I have saved the others. Would they have believed me if I had spoken up?  Would I have been kicked out because then I would have outed myself?  I guess we will never know. But I know that man is out of the Air Force.

Days had passed by and we are now into the 4th week and it was getting more exciting.  Fighting with the bugle sticks.  My adrenaline was going before I went into the circle.  I felt like I had a lot to prove so I went in swinging.  By the time I had knocked that guy down, everyone was like "damn."  I think my new TI didn't think I could do it either.  Being 5,10 and only 135lbs.  I was skinny as a rail.  But ever since I was in middle school, I've always felt like i had something to prove, to fight for, to show that I was equally capable of doing something as the guy standing next to me.  It hard. Always being picked last in Gym class, being called faggot down the hall.  Its not easy being green...

But it just goes to show that I'm a fighter and always will be.  Everywhere base I move to, every job or task I am given, I feel like I have something to prove.

Weeks pass by and we go through the gas chamber, the obstacle course, beast week.  Where we go out in the middle of nowhere and live in a deployed setting for a week.  It was pretty awesome.  I liked it a lot.  Patrols, doing scenarios, and going through their obstacle course. I like a good challenge.  Nothing wrong with getting down and dirty.  After all I am from the south and we love to go mudding and do stupid shit like that.

Finally the moment we had all been waiting for Graduation. I remember waking up that Thursday morning and thinking I cannot wait to see my family.  We walked out the the field where we all gathered up and would run in our squadron shirts.  As each flight went we were near the end and despite our TI telling us we had to look forward, I looked everywhere for my family and I didn't see them but I knew they were out there.  We hurried back and showered and put our blues on for the coin ceremony.  I swear to got that damn thing took forever.  It was black flag conditions (over 90 degrees) and were were sweating at 10am.  Finally they said "parade rest" and everyones family ran out to find their sons and daughters.  I waiting for a good minute or two but my brother found me and I had never felt so happy to see him.  Then later my sister and mom came around and I felt so complete and free.  My family.

The next day was the official graduation ceremony on the parade field and it was definitely an exciting feeling.  We did the march in front of the main stage and all of our families.  But something else happened that day.  When my flight was called, I heard both an ambulance siren and a train horn blast at the same time.  Internally, I knew it was my dad watching over me and he was with me on that field that day.  Seeing me.  19 years old graduating from Air Force BMT.  It was definitely hard holding my tears back.  But the moment I saw my mom again.  She looked at me and knew exactly what was going through my mind and she teared up as well.  She knew hearing both of those at the same time was not a coincidence but fate and a sign that I was on the right track.  We hung around and introduced my family to my two closest friends from BMT.  We still occasionally chat here and there but I will never forget them.  We were the three amigos. lol

The remainder of that weekend was being tourists in San Antonio... and chilling in the hotel watching The Godfather. Typical us.  But the hardest day was Sunday when I said bye to both my family and my friends.  But once the door closed for Lackland AFB.... another door opened for Fort Sam Houston....

EARLY STRUGGLES: PART I

As I lay here in bed I begin to think how to express my emotions and the struggles I faced early on in my Air Force career.  Now keep in mind, I entered Basic Training in June 2011 just before DADT was officially repealed.  Getting off the bus at like 2am on Tuesday, I felt my heartbeat through my chest.  All of us rushing to those now infamous dots that everyone remembers from the old dorms prior to the "Superdorms" being built.  I tried to keep my calm and just focus on what the TI was saying.  Bags down, bags up, bags down.  It was like an annoying game of monkey see monkey do.  

There I was.  A smart-mouthed 19-year old who was annoyed and staring straight ahead with my resting bitch face.  I thought to myself.  "What did I get myself into?"  As the days went by I eventually got used to the routine.  Waking up at 5am.  Going to the track and doing morning PT.  Breakfast.  Learning to fold the bed sheets with the hospital corners.  Then one evening when we were learning to recite the Airman's Creed I stumbled on a few lines and was called out for it.  My TI began to yell and I forgot my reporting statement.  

He became more flustered and called me into the office and had me stand in front of him as he sat back in his chair... he looked back at me and asked what is wrong with you, why do you feel the need to back talk.  As I began to try to explain myself... this time i remembered my reporting statement, I told him I was nervous and just forgot it.  In a very bold move he asked me "is it because you are different?"  My smart ass replied "everyone is different"  He replied "so you feel uncomfortable around other men"  I snarked back and said "no, i never said that you're putting words in my mouth"  I knew where he was going with this so I played his game.  Realizing what I was doing he began to yell profusely and tried to corner me in this back and forth game.  He finally gave up and said I don't know what to do with you; send you home or keep you here.  Being the rebel I was "send me home then."  His eyes opened and he was speechless.  I don't think he ever expected me to come back at him like that but I did.  After about 2 minutes; the longest 2 minutes of my life.  He stood up and said.  "Im keeping you here.  You will experience hell as long as I am around.  And you will graduate... eventually"  

That was the first incident where I felt like I was being attacked for being myself.  And granted you're probably reading this and thinking I deserved it but when if you were in my place.  You would defend yourself too.  I didn't join the Air Force to be attacked for being "different" as he liked to say.  Because he couldn't ask me if I was gay.... then I could get him in a shit ton of trouble.  Although this was my first taste of the hostility against myself and other gay members in my flight.  It would not be my last...

*** THE TI ABOVE WILL NOT BE NAMED BUT THAT INDIVIDUAL IS NO LONGER IN THE AIR FORCE***  

WEARING THE UNIFORM VS GAY SOCIETY PART II

Picking back where I left off I began to fall out of love for New York and set my sights on different territory.  Philadelphia...city of brotherly love and where my favorite film series "Rocky" takes place.  That part is for another post.

I had been to Philadelphia a few times before with my friends Tiffany, Cheryl and Devin but I began to fall in love with the city not only for its rich history and amazing food but also for the chill atmosphere and friendly people it holds within.  Now before I move on, I know there is some rough parts of Philadelphia because I dated someone from the hood.... but thats another post as well.  But if you really look beyond the ruggedness and faded buildings you will find true beauty within.  A sense of love for a city that has been through so much.  Kinda like me.  I began to fall in love with the city because of a popular bar called "Woodys"  It is still and will always be my favorite gay bar because of the variety of people and music it entails.  Everyone that I have ever met in that bar I still keep in contact with today.  Downstairs is where you pregame, and upstairs is where you can rave to some techno music or shake your ass to some good hip hop music.  I was always in the hip-hop room.

Now... your probably wondering what does this have to do with me wearing my uniform with gay society...  Well, people in Philadelphia were more about me personally than about my uniform.  After about a year of not telling anyone I was in the military I finally would just tell people the truth and go from there.  Most people treated me like normal person but occasionally asked about my job.. if I fly planes again or if I had ever been deployed.  Both are still "no" to this day...  But most importantly, for once in my life.. I felt accepted in a city, in a bar, in a group of amazing people and I truly felt complete.  Yes, there are some amazing bars in New York but most people go there with groups of friends and stay within there own.  You try to start a conversation with someone and they briefly say "hi" and eventually you can tell they were trying to leave or go back to their friends.

 Thankfully thats not what happened to me on Staten Island when I arrived in February 2012 but when in the city itself.  I felt like an outsider.  Most people don't realize this but its hard moving all over the place and having to start over.  It truly gets lonely and secluded.  Thankfully I am very social but there are others that are not so much and have a hard time adjusting to the moving but also talking to strangers.  Other military LGBT members will know what this is like.  Even straight military members.  But its harder for me as a gay man to find acceptance within society because of growing up in the South, but also because of what I was called all throughout my childhood and even sometimes into adulthood.  Its also hard for me to show PDA because of what people might say or throw at me... Yes... I have had rocks thrown at me before.  It just goes to show that we as a whole nation are still not up to the same ideology as others but we keep pushing along despite fighting for their freedom and a common cause.

I ask everyone that reads this to next time go up to someone who is alone at the bar or is standing the corner all by themselves.  Because they might just be like people I was talking about above; shy, lonely, trapped within.  You might just make a difference in their day, their night, their week, or even their life.  You never know....

To end this I will say this to all who read this blog; and please feel free to comment.  I love to hear about other people...

  I am proud of what I do everyday.  Every morning I wake up at 545...well not every morning but you get the point.  I wake up and put on a uniform that means more to me than you can possibly imagine.  It represents me.  It represents my other Air Force counterparts.  It represents the United States.  But it also represents Freedom. The very Freedom that allows you all to read my story and see what life is really like as a gay man serving in the United States Air Force.  So the next time you are at a bar or out in public and you find that and individual is a member of the LGBT community and they are in the military, I ask that you do not look at them any different.  I ask that you do not see them as a checkbox on your bucket list.  I ask that you do not see them as a fantasy for one night.  I ask that you please talk to them and get to know them with open arms and on a personal level.  You might just change their life.....

WEARING THE UNIFORM VS  GAY SOCIETY

When any normal human being sees me putting on a uniform they see me as a man, as a person serving this great nation.  They usually come up to me proud with a big smile or even sometimes nervously say "Thank you for your service."  My reply is "Thank you for your support."  

Unfortunately this is not always the outcome that happens when other gay men see me in uniform.  Most people see us as a sexual fantasy, or just another checkmark on their bucket list.  Depending on your perspective; this can be both positive and negative.  Positive for some more promiscuous individuals and negative for others who are really wanting to find the one and make it last a lifetime.

  

When I first joined back in 2011 DADT wasn't repealed yet.  It was hard for the first few months trying to conceal my identity and push through basic training and beyond into tech school.  Although President Obama was starting the repeal process; it was very evident that some individuals higher ranking and lower did not welcome the change with open arms.  Now just to be clear, I know there are thousands of others that have served before me during DADT and I highly look up to them for so many accomplishments they have achieved and help paved the way for us now to serve openly.  During college I did a research paper and found that during DADT nearly 14,000 people had been kicked out of the services.  Although this may seem a very small number, I have learned since being in, it has a huge impact on the mission at hand.  

During the early years of my career 2011-2012 while stationed at McGuire AFB, NJ I never really told people I was in the military.  I usually got mixed signals when I did tell them like "you're really skinny to be in the military... aren't you supposed to be buff?" or "are they ok with you being gay" or my favorite line "do you fly planes?".  Usually my replying choice of words would be "I'm a nurse assistant/emt"  and then they would ask what hospital and i would say Capital Health in Trenton so that way I would cover myself.  I wanted people to see me for me and not just a "hot guy in uniform."  Sometimes it was just degrading.  Talking to different people at the clubs and they would be somewhat interested in you but the moment you told them you were in the Air Force they all of a sudden want to know your Facebook, and what base and if they can come on base but really I was just another check box on their bucket list of things to screw.  

As time began to pass I soon began to realize that they were either interested or not interested and I accepted it eventually.  However I also realized that being in New Jersey had its perks for being gay and in the military.  Partying in Philadelphia, the Jersey Shore and even New York City... I never had to pay cover charges.  I would flash my ID and they said "OMG come in" and all of a sudden the bounce calls the bartender and I would have a free drink in my hands.  Granted I was very thankful but sometimes I just felt wrong for taking a drink like that.  ( I know... y'all are probably like wtf i would take that in a heartbeat.... but for me I had never been deployed and i honestly didn't feel like I deserved it).  

Another pro is the ample number of men in the area.  Granted i was 20, 21, 22, and 23 while being stationed there.  I met a number of amazing people that I still remain close to this day.  But also people that I wish I had never met.  Growing up in South Carolina, watching all these old Hollywood movies about everyone falling in love in New York City and I hoped I would too but the culture was so much more different than portrayed in movies like "Trick" "Moonstruck" "You've Got Mail" or even (cheesy) "Maid in Manhattan."  Love is not easy in New York with the amount of available men just awaiting at your fingertips on ridiculous apps like Grindr, Jackd, Scruff.  Its like if you went on a date with someone and it didn't go well, or I didn't give them what they wanted; they would log on and find some hot 10min screw and move along.  Now don't get me wrong.. i have used those as well.  I am guilty as charged.  But again I was young; just like everyone of you reading this.

After a year of many failed dates and meeting many great people, it soon came clear that love was not in New York.  Instead, friends and amazing people were.  To be continued...

INTRO:  In the Air Force my name is Staff Sergeant Gosnell.  Outside the gate, people usually call me by my first name; Mark because its whats on my drivers license or on a computer screen with thousands of other names.  Friends and family call me Anthony.  Throughout my life I have been called many of things.  Whether its by one of my many names and/or titles, or something derogatory such as a faggot, homo, queer.  But the one thing that remains the same is me.  Anthony.  25 years into this world and I can honestly say I have experienced life so much more than most my age; life, death, betrayal, heartbreak, love, hatred, jealousy, wanting, fighting, but most importantly accomplished.

This blog is to help me vent but also explain who I am and how I feel to a different audience.  For most, Facebook, Instagram, tumblr, and twitter is a way to do so but its mainly to people they know and people that find them attractive.

For me, this is a new beginning. Being openly gay and serving in the United States Air Force.  The challenges that I face as an individual, the success that I have obtained and the life that I choose to live....

This is me... then, now, and forever....