GAY DATING OUTCOMES AND THE STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND WHY...

GAY DATING OUTCOMES AND THE STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND WHY...

Its amazing to see how far we have truly stepped back with dating and relationships in the past decade with the innovations of smart phones.  New dating apps that are within our finger tips.  Its no longer us sitting behind a computer during the day and night.  Its no longer meeting new people at clubs really but rather looking down constantly at your phone.  The children that are being raised today are at the point where they are hanging out with their friends but also constantly on their phones.  Its rare to see kids on their bikes, making mud pies in the backyard or even climbing trees.  Instead they are all mind fucked by the technology at hand.  

Although technology has helped us connect with people around the world, it has also sabotaged the way we date.  Making us question our boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses and attempting to take their phones and go through their messages.  Questioning their loyalty and faithfulness.  Again, sabotage.  But then again if you really think about it.  Is it the technology that is sabotaging the way we date, or the individual behind the phone who is constantly doing things they shouldn't.

Over the years I have experienced a wide variety of dating outcomes but it never seems to change when it comes to these outcomes of dating.  I'm pretty sure any gay man can relate to this regardless if you are single, taken, or married to the love of your life.  Even straight people as well can relate to this.

I.  Stood Up.
I never really understood why people try so hard to get with you, go on dates, take you out a few times.  At first I'm always hesitant.  Like can I really trust this guy?  Are they wanting to go on a real date?  Or "chill" as all the FUCKBOYS say.  After time you finally start to come around and agree to a date.  It sucks you know?  Finally giving into going on a date and all then somehow within the hour they are with you, they decide it isnt going to work.  And instead of manning up and telling you, "Hey, I dont think this will work" they'd rather again,  coward behind their phone screen and tell you later or just ghost you and never hear from them again.  As crazy as it sounds, I have seen it from all sides of the aisle.  Ive had close girlfriends had this happen to them, some of my close coworkers.  It's really amazing to see what people have become and the actions they fail to take.  On a personal note back in 2012 I went to see the Dark Knight Rises in theater and kept being messaged by this navy guy when I was stationed at McGuire.  Finally I agreed to go to a movie with him.  Naturally, I arrived early and there was only a few seats left so I went ahead and bought both of them.  By the time he arrived we were walking to the theater and chatting about how our weekend was going so far.  We sat down and waited for the previews to start.  He offered to go get popcorn and a drink and so I told him what I wanted.  Problem was, is that he never came back.  This motherfucker who asked me multiple times to go out with him, left me in the theater alone after I bought his ticket.  And then blocked me from messaging him.  Literally the worst feeling ever. But!  Funny story is I did see him in DC in 2013 and called him out for it.  And also saw him at one of the AMPA gala photos.  Small shady world I swear.

II.  The Question.
"Are you a top or bottom?"  I get it.  You're probably thinking this is important.  But is it really?  If you really like someone and want to go on a date does it really matter what their sexual preference is?  For more promiscuous men that try to get it in on the first date, maybe.  Me, not so much.  I personally don't care too much for it.  Should it be a determining factor for dating someone? No.  But too many times I've seen gay men reject a very good guy because they didn't match that one thing.  Not to mention in todays drag society, we see so many bottom shaming.  A person can look at you and say "bottom"  but not even know a thing about you.  I get it, a lot of drag queens use this for comedic relief when they run out of original source material but it gets old really quick.  But rarely and occasionally we see some Top-shaming which is quite funny because "total tops" aren't really men cause they cant take a dick."-heard that from a drag queen in NYC some years back and that was just hilarious.  All the "men" just looked away or looked at their hookups and it was quite amusing to see the table turn.   Regardless, in the name of compatibility, must we reject someone for not being what we want them to be sexually?  Can it not be worked out?  I understand most of you are probably reading this and thinking "yes"  but ask yourself did you ever meet someone who you really liked and wanted to date but they weren't your opposing preference.  Did you reject them completely or try to work it out?

III.   Return Offenders
Imagine walking down the street, minding your own business. Being happy and alone during the day and alone at night.  And out of the sky falls a text message in your phone from someone in the past you probably haven't spoken to in years.  You double look at your phone cause somehow you kept their contact information in your phone or it has no name and then you're like Samuel L Jackson in "Coming to America" saying "who's this motherfucker?"  Ive had both reactions towards my phone.  For Stephen King fans its like the book "Sometimes they come back."  And they do come back, not the dead but men who you dated and it didn't work out for obvious reasons and yet they still message you. Dont get me wrong.  I chat with people I've dated before and its cool but its the ones that fuck you over that get my blood boiling.  If you did me wrong years ago..  I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with you.  Why message me years later thinking I'll have  soft spot for you... Cause I wont.  The reason 99.9% of the time is because they finally grow up just a tad, maybe one of their balls drops and realize they fucked up and missed out on a great opportunity.  And they did.  They all did.  I'm definitely not cocky or conceited at all but I do know I have my shit together and I live life day by day.  It's just funny cause it always starts out with a a subtle "hey" and they you wait to reply hours later thinking of what the fuck you really want to tell them but the Lord told you to be good so you reply finally with "hi" if you have their contact saved or "who are you" if you were smart and deleted them out ya life.  And then once that lid has been opened slightly they open up about everything they fucked up on and they miss you and things have been grim since they cheated or left you or some dumb shit and in your mind you're thinking omg he's changed.  Yes, one of those basic white girl things you see in some movies...and then you realize this is the devils work and have to say "ohh no, not this shit again" and lay down the law, that time has been ticking away, and there are other people out in the world...  Its always funny because my sisters always told me they come back.. and sure enough they do.

IV. A Rare Match
Very seldom and rarely do we all match completely and it works out and we live happily ever after.  I don't know much about this fairytale bullshit because I haven't experienced it there fore moving on.  Even Maleficent laughed at true love and so do I.  (For laughs not to be taken seriously)

V.  Its Not You, Its Me.... bull-fucking shit.
We have all seen this scenario whether on the big screen, small screen, with friends and/or family and unfortunately I have too.  It goes back to hiding behind your screen and manning up to tell someone how you really feel.  Not just come up with some lazy half assed excuse to discontinue dating.  If you aren't ready to date, then why go forth with it and try to weasel your way out.  This can be played out in so many scenarios I could go on and on for days. But it's always going good, then something goes awry and you cant figure out what you did wrong or whats happening and then "we need to talk" comes up and then you're like well.  It WAS nice knowing you and then you talk and they try to play it off like its complicated but it's really not.  They go round and round usually saying something along the lines of "im just so busy" "i dont have time" but ultimately they don't to date because they found someone else.  Its almost guaranteed they found someone, unless you find someone rare that tells you the truth. Now this can be told for relationships too but I'm focusing on dating.  Maybe is a personal preference but just tell the truth.  Don't make into something complicated.  If you give so many excuses, bitches become detectives and figure it out eventually.  In a world of technology and Instagram and Facebook, it can be figured out pretty quick.

Comments?  Input?  Lets go.

THE LOVE TRILOGY: SAN DIEGO CLIFFS

You were there for me
When the previous one failed
I turned to you and you helped me
You wanted to jump on board
I was not ready to let you on this ship

Months go by of touch and go
It was hit or miss when we talked
I was too scared to get hurt again
Falling ill you still showed that you cared
Even when I was not all in

Stars aligned miraculously
Duty stations matched
We were in Charleston
For once, you showed me
The better side of guys

The weekend was amazing
My family loved you
First introduction in 7 years
Nervous is an understatement
Relieved is the aftermath

San Diego awaited us
The fog settled in
The rain poured
Still we ventured out
Your giraffes we found

My heart drifted
Looking down I saw your flaws
Black and orange on your phone screen
Cold sweats began
Doubts arise, trust breaks

Excuses poured and I believed
Still I stayed, though my heart said otherwise
Family was beautiful
Cliffs and mountains were breathtaking
Hillcrest was typical rainbow

I soon found while looking over the cliffs
You no longer feel the same
My heart was crushed, hope was lost
I tried to nonchalantly play it off
But I was truly dying inside

The first person to say the L-word to me
It was all over
The fear I initially had came true
Celebrated new years
Didn't talk for months

Now you are a close friend
Dear to my heart
Everything happens for a reason
We see clearly now over the Florida beach
Sometimes I wanna picture us again

On those San Diego Cliffs...

THE LOVE TRILOGY:  ARIZONA DESERT

It was unexpected finding you
The long facetime that would go on through the night
Laugh and joke we were never be bored
Always finding things in common
Traveling to see one another.

Sunrise and sunset over the mountains that surround the valley
The steam of the dry sand rises above
Tombstone gunslingers walk the town
No dates at the local bar
In uniform we'd finally see

Just me and you.
Monsoon rains fall in small patches
Who wouldve though we'd get this far
The white man of the hot valley
Someone I'd never thought I would call my own

Foolishly I romanticized from the get-go
Hard to leave you the first time
Though it would not be the last
Id rather relive the weekend than make it a part of the past
Time flew by and you came to tornado alley

The rush and feels roared back to my heart
Although I questioned if yours drifted apart
The dinner, the town, the memorial
Travel to the mountains and hike up we went
Surrounded the camp fire with good friends

Next day would be our last
Though I did not know at the time
It would become a thing of the past
Days end and nights begin
The bond between us seemed to fade

We finally ended in a unsettling way
Holidays were lonely
Disappointed I drank to sleep
The person I said the L-word to
Suddenly was scared away.

Months go by and you apologize
Years go by without a word
Spring turned to summer
Summer faded into fall
Though you occasionally pop in my mind

Out of sight we mended it all
Slowly rekindled a new friendship
Feelings come back the moment I see you again
The 4th of July with you and friends
Watching the fireworks from Security Hill

The skies divide from the park
Could this be a sign of us coming out of the dark
Running back into the light
I knew I still felt something
But didn't want to admit it until you told me too

Look where we are now
Where we have been
The roads have led us to each other
Time after time again
We still bug the shit out of each other

Though it did not work out at the time
I forgive you for all that happened
The time was not right
Distances were far apart
Though I often think about how we fell hard

In the Arizona Desert...

THE ETERNAL NIGHTMARE

They say after someone close to you dies that it should get easier to accept it as time goes by.  Suns rise and fall over the distant horizons.  Another day further away from the last time you saw them alive.  It hurts and it sucks.  My mother and I recently had a conversation that it should get better.  But the fact that my dad died almost 15 years ago still hurts just as it did the morning I found out.  But it doesn't help that I still have nightmares about it.  I think I've only told my sister once about a small part of this nightmare never really admitting it all.  And recently on a trip to New Orleans I had the nightmare in the car and startled my friend how abruptly I woke up and shaken I was.

Its never easy admitting your flaws.  But I think the death of my dad taught me to appreciate everyone in my life.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Sometimes I think I grow too attached to the people I care about because I don't want to lose them.  But at 26, I'm starting to think that I'm getting to the point where life starts taking things rather than giving them back.  But here is the nightmare;

I being to relive that fateful morning.  I was laying in bed and my alarm went off at 630am.  I didn't want to get up yet so I lay there a few extra minutes.  Randomly at 640 the phone rings and I hear my mom pick up the phone and quietly talk into the phone.  Then all a sudden I hear her scream and I get up to hear her frantically crying telling me that my dad had died.  She continues to run past me down the stairs to nanny's room.  It takes me a minute to process it.  The cold sweats drip down my face.  My hands and feet being to become numb and tingling.  I begin to cry I blankly stare down the stairs an start to walk down.  Suddenly the floor opens to a black hole and I immediately fall into it as I frantically try to hold on to the floor boards of the stairs but they begin to creak and fall in.

The black hole is like a long tunnel of memories. Each showing the different times I had with my dad and family.  Still crying I reminisce about the past.  As quick as the memories pass by, I'm out of the dark hole of nothingness.  I begin to open my eyes and I am in Grandma Shirley's house (dad's mom).  Sitting on the couch with my sisters; Nicole holding my niece Katie, Jamie while my brother sits in my moms lap in the small chair across from us.  My grandparents sitting close by with my dads siblings and my cousins.  I smile and hear the laughter of everyone like old times at Christmas time when we would all get together.  Grandma call's for my dad "Mark come out here" but he doesn't show up.  She calls again but no response and he doesn't come into the living room with us.  The room all of sudden becomes silent yet everyones mouths are still moving.  I look around confused and lost.  The rooms beings to spin slowly and I hear my dads voice calling me from outside.  Only his voice was the one I would hear at my tee ball games.  " Come on Anthony!  You can do it..."  "Hit the ball"

I stand up and no one notices me walking away.  Its like I didn't exist.  The room becomes cold and lonely.  As they sit there, they don't see me, they don't hear me, or feel me grabbing all of their arms trying to get their attention and tell them that I hear my dad outside.  I look around the house and I can't find him anywhere. Desperately walking towards the backyard, there was nothing there either.  Just the large pine tree and the tire swing swaying in the wind.  The clotheslines creaking as the wires scrape the medal poles the support them.  Finally I hysterically  open the front door of the house and look around for my dad.  Sadly nowhere is he to be found.  My last resort, I go outside the wooden fence and look to the left down the curve of the street but he isn't there.  Only the neighboring houses and the cars parked in their driveways. Looking down at the concrete with my hopes dwindling I consider giving up. Suddenly I hear him call my name.  His voice was coming from behind me.  He stood under the pine trees and angel oaks about 100 yards down the long straight away that led to my grandparents house.

Paralyzed, I stare at him in disbelief.  But he was there.  The greatest dad you could ask for was standing right there in front of me.  A rush of energy flows through me and I started to run towards him.  I soon grow tired and I realize that he was getting further away.  Time begins to speed up and the sun that started at sunrise was quickly moving to the mid-day position in the sky.  Despite getting more and more exhausted I keep running.  Attempting to get a hug and jump into his arms again.  The sun slowly continues to descend towards the horizon and there is nothing I can do.  The cold gets even more brutal.

The last bit of sunlight fades below the distant land and I fall to the ground.  My knees and hands are scraped from the road that I fall on.  I look up and I see him in his paramedic uniform.  The way I remember him best.  But before I know it, his body disappears and I see his face one last time before he fades into the invisible.   I devastatingly  hear him call my name one last time.  The colors of the sky being to darken and the street lights that line the road begin to slowly turn on one by one.  The pain rushes into my chest, my heart, my soul, my future, the emptiness of being without him.

I ball my eyes and hear my mom scream behind me, looking for me.  As I muster the strength to get back up and walk back to her and my family the street starts to crack and buckle beneath my feet.  The ground crumbles beneath my feet and I look up at my mom as I fall into another black hole and I wake up.....

While most will read this and think it is nothing or just something small.  It's the nightmare that keeps me awake at night.  Its the nightmare that abruptly wakes me up in the middle of a nap.  Its what still gets me nearly 15 years later.  I hope that maybe telling people about this personal trial will help them with the losses they have endured and the pain that still lingers years later...

LOVE AND AFFECTION

Is it too much to ask for honesty?
Is it too much to ask for you to be up front and not tell me lies?
Is it too much to ask for you to tell me how you really feel rather than tell me what I want to hear?
Is it too much to want a simple good morning or good night text?
Is it too much to want a simple how are you text?
Is it too much to want you to want me as much as I want you?

Is it weird that I wanna share adventures with that someone special?
Is it weird that I wanna bachata the night away and lay on the beach until the sun comes up over the horizon?

How is it that everyone judges eachother for the apps that they have for dating?

How does one move on if their heart is still in someone else's hands?

How is it that everyone claims they want a relationship until someone right comes up and they run away?

How is it that everyone thinks up these cheesy dates but the moment someone does it for them they run away?

How is it that we all have that one person we always run back to and scared to admit we love them still?

How is it that we watch all these romantic movies wishing for that special moment that we run into someone as good as Ryan Gosling in the Notebook or Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain or Antonio Banderas in Philadelphia when we know its not the reality we live in today?

I can jam out to Drake all day and drink like theres a message in the bottom of my wine bottle but nothing but the sorrows and hopeless aspirations of a failing relationship or crumbling situation lay there.

I can listen to the Bodyguard soundtrack and hope that one day someone runs after me once I get on the plane to tell me they love me and wrap their arms around me and never let me go.

I can listen to Selena's Dreaming of You as I lay in bed at night wishing that someone special would walk into my life and allow me to see the different aspects of life.

I can listen to Miguel and drown in the emotions that overcome my mind, body and soul once I click the play button.

I can lay on the beach all day under the umbrella feeling the cool salty breeze brush my skin as the sun warms the air around me and daydream about floating away and leaving it all behind.

I can drive for hours and not realize how far Ive gone or how much time has passed by, hoping theres something at the end of the road waiting for me to give me a sign about whats next in life.


What is life if there is no love?
What is it that keeps us coming back for more?
What does one do when they finally meet the love of their life?

Why are the holidays so great but sometimes depressing when you see all the happy couples together when its just me and my pillows with a bottle of moscato on the side?
Why give up if we get in a fight?
Why would you walk out when the times get tough?
Why date if you're still not over your ex?
Why are the simplest things in life often the most difficult to overcome?

Why is it that once you have read this post you all probably are wondering why Im looking so hard? Why is it such a bad thing to want something so good?
Why give up?

But most of all, why is it so hard to ask for a little love and affection...

OKLAHOMA AND STRUGGLE TO MOVE ON

While I lay here in my bed. I reminisce about being stationed back in Oklahoma.  You're probably thinking "what. the. fuck" but it was truly a great assignment.  When I first got orders to Oklahoma all I could think was Twister, and Little House on the Prairie.  Shocked and in disbelief, I honestly thought it to be a bad dream but in the end it was an awesome assignment.  

I think its normal for everyone to want to be back at their previous assignment.  I think its because we settle down and have good connections and a strong group of friends that you got to hang out with nearly everyday and then to leave them behind is just a loss for words.  Granted I keep in-touch with them weekly, its still sad.  From December 1st 2014 through August 15th 2017 I enjoyed my time in Oklahoma.  I attended school nearly every semester while I was there and earned my associates degree.  All at the same time pinning on Staff Sergeant and making bold career moves.  At the end I was burnt out though and was ready for a change.  

Education and Training was no joke.  Running all these different programs. Ensuring people were up to date on all their certifications.  Making sure everyone was being trained properly.  It was busy and took a toll.  Emotionally at the end of my tenure there, I was very bipolar with my emotions because I grew to love it and was sad to leave but yet happy to move on to a new assignment, new adventures, and new accomplishments to be achieved.  Mainly saddened because of all the awesome people that I had met over the past few years.  Its so sad and heartbreaking to leave people you care so much about.  

Admittingly during those nearly 2.5 years I learned a lot about myself.  What I'm capable of achieving.  Who I am as a person.  How to live my life successfully.  My flaws.  My pros.  My cons.  Accepting the fate of my failed relationships; all 3 of them.  Accepting that I was about to move again.  

When I think back.  I was Grateful.  Thankful.  Enlightened.  Encouraged.  I had a lot of great mentors while there both civilian and active duty.  Each person teaching me what to do and not to do to help further my career.  Also a lot of great opportunities; meeting President Obama.  Becoming NCOIC before even sewing on my new rank.  Going on multiple TDY's.  It truly is the little things in life that you look back on that made all the difference.  Granted not everyday was perfect while I was there but you keep a positive attitude and a great outlook and it gets you further than the person next to you with a shitty attitude and a wrinkled uniform.  I learned early on in my career that despite all the negativity, you keep moving on and learn what not to become.  

Every experience; the good, the bad, the ugly, the devastating.  It all taught me something. Its the greatest advice to give... keeping a positive attitude.  I give it to everyone even if they don't wanna hear it.  Embrace the suck because there is always light at the end of the tunnel.  My light was getting stationed here at Hurlburt Field.  The greatest advice someone gave to me was "never burn bridges because you might see that individual later down the road and they can help you in more ways than you can imagine by just giving them a little respect."   It's so true.  There have been people in my career that I have absolutely hated but I still smiled and respected them.  Its just a way to get by and progress in your career I guess. 

But again, I was thankful to have a great group of friends while I was there.  Going hiking in the Wichita Mountains.  Drinking at Fuzzy's downtown.  Going to the gay strip on the weekends to catch a drag show and dance the night away.  Marching in the pride parade.  Traveling to Tulsa and Dallas for a weekend getaway.  Going tornado chasing during the spring months to get my adrenaline going.  Having awesome parties at friends house's and listening to bachata and trying Cuban, Panamanian, Dominican food.  The weekend routine of going to the movies on Friday nights.  I truly enjoyed every moment, every person, every experience, every day.  I wouldn't change a damn thing.

IDMT School Complete


For all my readers who have been anxiously waiting for what I'm going to say next...(sarcasm).

So after all the bitching and complaining about being volun-told to become an IDMT.  It all miraculously worked in my favor in the end.  The first month of school was very difficult and stressful.  Probably the most stress I had been in, in awhile.  Going to class 0700-1600 M-F, taking in all of this knowledge and skills and having to study every night and all weekend.  Legit I would get out of class and go back to my hotel room and sleep until around 1730 and study until dinner at 1830 and then get back to studying until I fell asleep.  The weekend we would just study all day.  I had no life and it was hard.  The tests were nerve wrecking and I pretty much thought I failed every time I selected the submit button.  Talk about an anxiety attack... shit.

Hell week was the worst.  We had a test Monday.  Physical Exams on Wednesday and Ortho exams on Friday.  I must say.  Making it through that was stressful but that feeling of accomplishment after was worth all the long hours of studying and practicing hands-on with my classmates for the physicals.  

My assignment was another miracle....

About 2 months into school it was about time for assignments to be chosen and be posted.  I was excited and nervous at the same time with millions of thoughts going through my mind.  One of which was would this be my time to PCS again or denied and stay here in Oklahoma.  Prior to attending IDMT school I had done a lot of research into AFSOC(Air Force Special Operations Command) and what it had to offer and the amazing opportunities it had to offer.  Thankfully I like to plan ahead and I got most of my package done for this job offer and all I had to do was the swim test. Well I went ahead and submitted my package. And less than 24 hours later I received the call that I was accepted.  I'm going to(now here) Hurlburt Field!!!!

Fastforward to July 18th and I graduated.  3 months of hard work paid off but I honestly couldn't do it without most of the people in my class.  Its now October 1st and I have so much to fill everyone in on but for now this should suffice.

EARLY STRUGGLES PART IV

By the time I started Phase II training.  I was strong but weak.  I was hurt but healed.  I was confident but nervous.   Leaving Fort Sam, I went right back where I started; Lackland AFB.  This time on Security Hill though.  It was an isolated part of base but it was nice in its own way.  Being far from the trainees at basic training, and the park that overlooked the flight line and in the distance the San Antonio skyline.  To be honest it was my favorite place. At night I would walk to the park and sit on the swing.  Swaying back and forth watching the C17s land and take off. Looking out at the city and the colorful lights that highlight the building's walls.  It was my place of peace and security from the shit that I had been though.

I had hoped that SAMMC would be a change.  A new defining moment for me and it was but I still had issues and fucking morons to deal with.  Every shift that I worked was an exciting experience.  Seeing patients and making a small but significant difference in their lives.  Yes I'm getting cheesy but its true.  The smallest things in life can make the biggest differences for an individual.

The shift I dreaded the most was the army-supervised shift in the ER.  From the moment I entered... this damn Staff Sergeant in the army had it out for me.  I honestly didn't know why.  Everyone else he treated like his own family and me, i was treated with disgust.  I did everything he told me to and gave accurate information every time but it just wasn't enough for him.  One day I was assisted a patient move and the provider told me to take him to the elevator and wait for him.  So I did.  All of a sudden that damn Staff Sergeant came running out screaming at me that that patient shouldn't be moved without someone with me.  When i tried to explain that the provider and patient were ok with me moving him, He just didn't wanna listen and told me to pack my bags and head back to Lackland, that I was done.

Every step I took was just a shame.  I felt like I had done something wrong even though I knew for a fact that I didn't.  I sat in the locker room stripping away my scrubs and began to put my ABUs back on when the provider and another Air Force Sergeant walked in and told me to get back on the floor and they will talk to the Army Staff Sergeant.  As I put on my scrubs and wiped away the tears,  I regained some confidence but fear still lingered in the back of my mind.  But what happened next is the apex of the whole situation.  As I walked out the locker room, I could hear them all arguing in the offices that sat just outside the locker room.  "I don't want that faggot in my ER!!!"  That was it.  The word that I hate so fucking much that it makes me so angry and tremble all over.  The word that would cause me to lose my temper.  The word that some people may use for jokes or some other bullshit but him.  He used it in the derogatory way.

It was the answer I wanted to hear and was waiting for.  I walked in on their argument and said, "then i will leave and ask to be transferred to a different department.  If not i can get legal involved."   I had never seen someone freeze up so fast in their life.  As if they had seen ghost or something of that magnitiude.  Suddenly the hallway got quiet and before anything else was said.  I walked away and grabbed all my belongings.  I came back out and they all tried to apologize but I was not having it.  I was so angry that the only words that would come out of my mouth were yes, no, I'm not staying....  It was just unfathomable that this was happening to me again.  As if what he said was ok and nothing would become of it.  Eventually they kept me on shift and made Army Staff Sergeant go home.  I don't know what became of him after that day but I didn't have to work that shift anymore with him.  They reviewed my schedule and shifted him out to accommodate my schedule so that I would graduate on time.  I never saw that man again but I hope to God that that moment when I overheard him and stepped in changed his life on how to communicate to people.  How to talk about people and most importantly to be a fucking adult and get over it.

You may not like me.  You might say shit about me.  But at work.  You will respect me and I will give you the same courtesy.  Especially in the ER.  Im there to do my job, but not only that.  Im there to do it fucking well.  And if you are intimidating people because you're homophobic then you are hurting not only your shift but also the patients that can't get help because you're a man or woman short.

At this point.  My hopes and aspirations have been shot.  I didn't really want to be in anymore.  I had given up so much on the hope that maybe I could go somewhere, where I would be accepted and not feel like a burden or feel so much hatred.  And granted your probably thinking a lot of this stuff is minor and it is.  But it all adds up and becomes a huge deal.  It makes us question why we even try.  Why we even keep fighting.  Why even keep moving forward.  And the answer is....life.  Life is too short to stay in one place.  Life is too short to let people walk all over you.  Life is too short to give up.  We must continue to find acceptance and the pursuit of happiness...

THOUGHTS

I'm down to my final week.  One last week before I roll out of Oklahoma City and head to San Antonio Texas for the next 3 months to become and IDMT for the Air Force.  I recently found out about this special duty down at Hurlburt Field and decided to go for it.  I know it wasn't in the cards; I wanted to get out in 27 months and go to Nursing school but everything happens for a reason.  I applied but its not guaranteed that I get it.  The only crazy thing is that its 4 year minimum tour there and ill most likely be gone most of the time but to be honest I wont mind. 

 So many decisions in the next few months and I don't even know what to do with them.  Its funny when were are stagnant we wish he had more options and choices but when the moment arises and you have so many you wish you had none and were stagnant again....  That's my life right now... Don't get me wrong.  I'm mentally stable. But I guess its that time in my life where the partying dies down and people start to actually be adults and do something worth wild.  That something worth wild... I'm still waiting to show its face and give me that opportunity.  Only time will really tell what happens. 

I'm kinda like a gypsy.  I love to travel and always be on the go.  The moment I slow down or stay in all day; in my mind, I've lost a day that I can't get back.  Life is too short to just be lazy all the time.   You have to move and keep going because one day I feel I will get old and wont be able to move as fast or travel as far.  So I might as well do that now right?  And if my math is correct, by time this tour is up, ill be able to get out and officially go back to nursing school but if I don't... well then I'm still out in August 2019. 

I've also had this odd feeling lately that I'm getting old and my time is running out to have kids.  You're probably like wtf?!.  Yes.  I'm 25, gay and want kids.  That is the dream.  So many people at my job right now are having kids and so are a lot of friends back home and I feel like its a piece of me that's missing.  That bond me and someone should share and later have a kid.  I know I have "plenty of time" but I don't want to be those parents that look like grandparents.  But then again I need to get my life together so I can support my kids if I ever have any.  Id rather have everything set up than be unprepared and go crazy.  3 kids is my limit.  After that I might as well get a school bus to haul everyone around.   You're probably wondering why is this on my mind... well the fact that everyone around me is having a kid and they all seem so happy.  I'm here alone.... and ready to share that excitement, but I need to get my shit together.  Its a tug-of-war right now in my mind. 

Another issue is just finding the right guy to settle with.. Someone who loves the outdoors as much as I do and to go on random ass trips for a few days.  Some of you reading this are probably like that's me... but there also need to be a connection.  There needs to be communication.  There needs to be a sort of bond that has to happen.  I can ride in a car with someone for hours but if we don't talk or find common ground or talk about something interesting then I might as well drop your ass off at the next bus stop or something. There are so many times in my life that I've talked to guys and we have so much in common on a phone screen but can't connect in person.  I think that is the greatest disappointment of this generation; getting too hype on a phone conversation but those feelings crash harshly after the first meeting when you get coffee or lunch or dinner or something.  And then you feel bad... 

Nowadays I just have moderate to low expectations for people that I go to meet just so I'm not disappointed if things go sour. I'll just keep moving on.  That way when I do find someone who's worth it; they exceed my expectations and I'm happier with the outcome.  My ideology is if you expect the worst and comeback happier than you went in... then you had a great day.  For example if I expect Monday to be awful but I get a lot done and leave on time then it was a great day.  Its actually helped me a lot but some of you reading this probably see otherwise and feel differently but that's ok.  We are all different and have different points of view. 

In my opinion the best way to meet new people is to go out and socialize.  But Ive also found is that a lot of my friends that I have now are mutual friends on facebook with someone else and we comment on something similar and just start talking, texted, phone calls and so on.  It's crazy how much social media has connected us all.  Especially other members in the military that are gay.  When I first joined I didn't know anyone and I literally felt isolated.  Now I know a good number of people that I keep in contact daily if not weekly and it's nice having that connection.  But social media has also damaged in a number of ways as well..  I guess for every pro... there is a con. 

Call me crazy but these are just a few things running on my mind lately.  To be continued...

UPDATE

So for the past few weeks I have been busy visiting friends and family in Philadelphia.  It was a great return to the city I love.  Eating all of the good food, seeing all my friends and family, and getting some new ink.  It was a good last vacation before I head to San Antonio next month.  I felt right at home and truly happy again.  You never know what you have until its gone or a thousand miles away but I'm always grateful to return to that beautiful city.

My mind has been running a million miles per hour; thinking about the future.  This upcoming weekend I start packing my apartment and reality really starts to set in.  Leaving Oklahoma City is a blessing but also bittersweet, granted I'll come back for a short time and eventually move to a new base.  But its all starting to set in.  In a month I'll take some clothes and a few uniforms and be living out of a hotel for 3 months but on the bright side I will be saving a lot of money by not paying rent or any utilities.  They say everything happens for a reason so we shall see how the next months go.  I'm excited yet still bitter about being accepted to USF but I will eventually get over it.  I keep thinking to myself only 28 months until I am out... but who's counting right?  

THE UNSETTLED BALANCE

For the past 2 years. I have worked hard towards a goal.  I have worked semester after semester.  Taking classes nonstop for a goal that was within my reach and attainable within a reasonable time.  Last Wednesday... I received news that I was accepted to University of South Florida as a nursing major.  I cried.  I honestly didn't know whether to be happy I was accepted, or to be pissed off because I can't go since I'm being forced to retrain.  The fact that I have now been accepted opens a brand new door for 2019.  I have made the decision to separate August 5th, 2019 to attend USF and finishing my Nursing Degree.

Now as you remember from a few posts before I was selected to retrain and I have come to accept those terms but I have ultimately decided to leave the Air Force temporarily.  And yes, I know my job has a re-enslistment bonus but money can't buy my happiness.  I have to do what I want in order to achieve my goals.  Its time for me to make my decisions.  Don't get me wrong, I have given and done everything the Air Force has ever asked me to do but now its time for me to do what is right my career and my future.  Im 25 and pushing 30 it feels like.  Time has gone by so fast the past 6 years and I can only imagine what the next two are going to be like but I'm ready for a whole new world.

Another thing I have considered is I'm definitely coming back into the military as an officer but which branch...  Yes.  I have considered the Navy and Army but only time will tell what I decide to do but I get bored so easily and always want new change.  A challenge.  I want to see new sights and experience new ways of life.  Be stuck on a ship for months at a time.  Be deployed downrate with the tanks and convoys.  To me... Life is way to short to be stuck in one thing.  You have to test the waters and experience things you never thought you would do.  Dive into uncharted territory.  We learn more about ourselves when we are faced with new obstacles than the same routine daily.  No one in their right mind wants that.

If there is anything that I'm sure of at this point is that I will become a nurse and be the best damn one that I can possibly be.  I want to become an officer and set my sights on the new horizon.  But most of all.  I want to stay true to myself and make decisions for myself rather than have someone make them for me.  And who knows.  Maybe I'll get a great offer on the civilian side that outweighs the military side.  All of this unsettled balance...but only time will surely tell what the future holds and what lies beyond the horizon...

DATING STRUGGLES: PART II

I think the biggest fear we all have is the possibility of dying alone.  Not having that connection our grandparents always talk about.  (How they used to write love letters during the wars... How they waited for each other and always stayed true to one another.) Not having someone to talk to daily in the golden years.  Not able to watch kids grow up.  Its personal fear of mine.  I know I'm only 25 but these things occasionally cross my mind.  Its much harder for a gay man to have these things.  Not because its not possible but because of the many barriers we have to overcome to get where we want to be and how to get there.

Yea its easy meeting new people and getting to know them but its not easy finding that connection that sparks something between us.  Its very rare.  You can get on a dating app and find someone that'll please you for about 30min and be on there way.  You can make new friends and stay that way.  But its rare to find someone you truly enjoy all the time and want to be more with them.  Atleast for me anyways.  I never really ask for much from a guy.  Just to be yourself, be honest, and be outgoing.  For me, I love the outdoors and to go hiking and go to the beach.  A lot of gay guys don't necessarily like to hike.  Unless theres a paved pathway lol.  And if we go to the beach some don't even like to go in the water.  But not everyone can be perfect.  I guess I'm just trying to put things into perspective for you about me.  What I like and want for my future and what I like in a guy.

The barriers and burdens of today's generation is technology and being truthful.  Technology has improved our lives in so many ways but has also ruined us as a society.  With technology we can communicate in so many ways.  Facebook.  Skype.  FaceTime.  All are amazing things that have helped keep us in contact with the ones we love when we are so far away.  Especially for people who are deployed from their families.  But then there are somethings that have totally gripped the gay world and ruined a lot of opportunities like Grindr, Scruff, Jackd and whatever else there is out there.  Granted I will say I have met a handful of amazing people on there that I'm friends with today and still keep in contact with but with every pro there is a con.  Not everyone is a "good guy"

Ive been asked out on a few dates on there and I've gone on them; some better than others.  I think the worst thing someone ever asked me is "if you get deployed can we be an open relationship?"  I literally got my shit and walked out.  Like why date if you still wanna be a hoe?.....

But then there is the slew of  faceless profiles, the torso pictures, or the catfishing that happens way too often than it should.  Its kinda degrading to see our society turn to a hook-ups or where we have all these "discreet" men that are honestly whores in disguise.  They claim no one knows about them then you talk you to your friends and they either say hell no or they slept with him.  Like who are you really fooling here? The fact is that you can find someone good on those apps but the moment something goes wrong they go right back on and find a temporary rebound.  Someone to quench their "thirst."  It's like why even get on those apps anyway.  But its the feeling of loneliness I guess.  Thats why I get on there sometimes.  And to make connections. Its always nice to know someone before going to a new base.  Getting a feel for the area and what the people are like.  Every bit of information counts.  Yes, we get sponsors when we PCS but most of the time they don't work out that great.  Its usually hit or miss with them.

Finally being truthful.  I never understand why people lie.  The truth always comes out.  There have been so many times where my gut feeling was right and I chose to ignore it but eventually I came full circle with myself and realized that I was right all along.  But the lust of it all blinded me.  I was dating a guy in New Jersey for a short time and all of a sudden he started ignoring me and said he was "busy."  Then all of a sudden he was tagged in Atlantic City with some guy who was ugly as fuck. But again, why lie?  If you weren't interested anymore or didn't wanna date just tell me rather than lie to my face or rather a text message.  If you break up with someone over a text message you are truly a coward in my opinion.  Man the fuck up and tell them how you really feel and why.  Don't give the reason "its not you, its me" or "I'm just really busy and have no time"  We are all adults and have heard that shit time and time again and it gets old really quick.

Another fun lie, was when I was dating this guy in Philadelphia for a few weeks and he facetimed me with hickies on his neck..  So like anyone else. I asked who gave you those hickies and he said... "his cousin" LMAO.  Like really?!  Thats what you tell me.  Your cousin.  Like we in Alabama or something.  So I told him not to talk to me. Then his girlfriend messages me and said "you two tustve had a great time because he has all those hickies"  I replied "those aren't from me, he said it was his cousin" She lost it and thus, a lie was unraveled and turns out it was sleeping with a coworker of his I had melt before which was the biggest queen I had ever met. I love flamboyant men.  They are so funny and great to hang around with but the fact that he slept with that queen really made me question if I was good enough.

Seriously I date some winners.  (Sarcasm).  The point is, in this day and age, and with technology.  Just be truthful.  Don't lie.  That makes everything worse than what it needs to be.  Honesty is key and if you keep lying, you're just digging yourself your own grave.

You can only dig yourself so deep before a ladder can't reach anymore....

So my advice to all of you; straight, gay, bi.  Put the phone down and experience life.  Get off of your apps and see the world for what it truly is; a wonderful place full of people worth getting to know and share experiences with.  Be truthful and always stand for what you believe in.
 

DATING STRUGGLES

Its always hard dating in the civilian world.  But its even harder in the military.  The uncertainty.  The deployments.  The distance.  It all adds up to being single.  It does not equal taken.  For the past 6 years I have had failed relationships and a few successful ones.  But as of now I am still single.  You're probably wondering... Why?  Well.  It's because of the reasons listed above.  

The problem with being gay and in the military is that like I said before, for most I'm just another checkbox on their bucket list.  "to sleep with a military man"  And while that sounds fun for some.  It makes me feel worthless.  Like I'm just a rag they use and throw back on the counter for the next person to use.  And thats 100% not me.  I like to think of myself as old fashioned.  I like to actually get to know the person before anything else goes further.  Ive seen my friends have sex too early and then the guy their dating never talks to them again.  It's a shame that its what our society has become. Just a hook-up culture.  Now I know this doesn't represent the entire population but thats what is mainstream and all over the tv and in the movies.  

Total.... I've officially been in a relationship with 5 guys since joining.  No I'm not talking about the restaurant.  Im legit talking about dating 5 guys over the course of my 6 year career.  Most lasted a few months, while others a little longer.  Now don't get me wrong... Ive been on a lot of individual dates but most only were one time.  Either they didn't like me or I wasn't interested.  Like I said before... New York was not an easy place to date.  It was a brutal scene where you were either in or out. And if you were out, you had to fight your way back in.  But even though I am not with them anymore (one of the five guys ive dated)...  they each taught me something about myself that has made me a better person.  

1. Never settle for less than what you deserve.  If they are not what they seem then leave them before things get too crazy

2. Always tell them how you feel.  Even if they might get pissed off or upset.  Its better to be open than hide something. 

3.  If you see something you don't like.  Explain why and give them an understanding.  You can't just say you don't like something and not give a reason.  Then you just seem crazy.

4. Never talk about your ex's until after a few months.  Its always annoying to talk about that and leads to awkwardness. 

5.  Long distance sucks.

6.  Never tell them what they want to hear.  Always tell them what you really feel.  Sometimes honesty hurts but is always the key.  

7. Never talk about the future unless its something you really want.  False hope leads to deception.  Deception leads to lies.  Lies lead to break ups. 

8.  Always be yourself.  Don't change for anyone.  Change doesn't happen over night.  It takes time.  You do not have time.  

Now most of the things I listed are things most people have already come to realize but they are what I realized in the past few years.  Its definitely nice to text and call someone daily and feel that you're wanted.  Like someone cares about you but eventually that dies off and you wonder what went wrong?  Did I do something?  Is he doing something?  Its just another phase.  Ive learned that its always cheesy in the beginning and steadily dies off.  Most people think initially its love.  But in reality its just lust.  

To me, love is overly used.  Its the most abusive 4-letter word in the dictionary and used a lot by young gay men.  One Friday they're talking to them.  Saturday they spend all day together and sunday they're in love.  And the next weekend the cycle starts all over again.  Its not something I personally have gone through but its things I've seen over the years.  In all honestly, I've used that word 2x in the past 2 years.  Once for "C' and the other for "A".  "C" was scared to death even though we had been dating for nearly 7 months.  But I guess we all aren't ready at the same time.  I said it to "A" after he told me it first.  I said "i love you too" but it wasn't because he said it to me.  Its because I legitimately felt that for him.  To be honest, "A" was the first person to ever tell me "I love you."  How ridiculous right?  Im 25 and it was the first time someone I was dating ever told me that.  I think thats why it was so painful this time around.  But thankfully I am still friends with both of them.  We have mended our pasts and still keep in touch time to time.  

It so funny to talk about this all because I thought I let go of all these emotions but I guess somewhere in my small black heart I still have feelings for people.  Me and one of my good friends were talking the other day about life and the future.  Its always funny how we talk about wanting to get married, kids, dogs, travel.  We say these things but Ive learned over the past few years is that gay men love to talk about things like that and how they're ready to settle down but the moment they find someone who fits all of those ideas, they get scared and runaway.  Its like.  Why talk about that if you're not ready.  Why date someone if its only temporary.  Why even like someone at all?  For me its all or nothing.  If I get to the point where I like you a lot and we keep dating and talking daily its because I see a future with you.  

If you really think of the people you've been in a relationship in the past 5 years.  Why did you break up?  

   Did you break it off because you fell for someone else? If so, was the other person better?  

   Did you break it off so you can hoe around at a party?  Did you get lucky that night?  

   Did you break it off because you were scared?  Did you want them back after being apart?  

   Did you break it off because you tried everything to make it work but it just didn't?  Do you regret     it?

Ask yourself these questions.  I know I have.  You will truly find out a lot about yourself when you think back and realize what could have been....

FIRST DUTY STATION AND THE ACCEPTING OF ME

When I arrived to McGuire AFB Feb 14th 2012.  It was a whole new world for me.  The emotions ran high as I pulled through the gate.  So many things going through my head.  Whats it like here?  Will the people be nice?  Will I be accepted?  Is it bad like tech school and basic?  My answers would all come full circle and be answered within the next month that I was there.

The truth is, is that it wasn't so bad but like anything else, it gets better with time.  I was working for a good team in Family Health.  1 provider and the 4 of us airman.  I'll admit it was still kinda stressful getting to know the ropes but I got used to it after awhile.  I didn't come out to them until about 2 weeks later and they were fine with it.  It was a refreshing feeling.  Being accepted.  Not being a "minority" per say but being one with others.  As I said before in earlier posts.  I was bullied in middle and high school.  Was harassed by my TI in basic and was told cruel things in tech school.  This was the first time in my life.  I was "normal" for being different.  Where people looked at me for the amount of work that I put in.  Rather than I was a gay guy who likes guys.  Then again, there were so many gay guys and lesbians in the clinic.  I think I was just another added to the pot.

For anybody that is gay or lesbian that is scared to go to their first base because of being shunned for being different.  I challenge you to be yourself.  To let people know who you are.  I think when we hide behind a mask is when we are most vulnerable and tend to perform less than what we are truly capable of.  Its better to be yourself and comfortable with your surroundings.  Once its out in the open you can expand your horizons and own it.  At first I didn't think of myself as a stellar airman but with all honesty.  When you have great supervisors who sit down with you and actually truly care about you. They can guide you and make you into a better person.  I had 3 supervisors and each of them taught me something about myself and what I needed to improve on.  If theres anything I hope active duty members whether your enlisted or officer take from this post; is that when you show that you care, it makes a huge difference.  It shows that I'm not just another slot on the Unit Manning Document.  It shows a person and that I am an asset to the base.

After everyone in the clinic found out I was gay.  People accepted it and asked me a lot of questions.  Where should I take my girlfriend on date to?  Does this outfit look ok?  What do you think of my hair color?  It was funny because they were kinda stereotypical but I took them and ran with it.  I became very blunt while at McGuire.  But I think thats what people like about me.  Is that I'm blunt and not really afraid to hide how i truly feel.  Its something I've learned from my mom and grandma.  They are the most blunt people you will ever meet and hold nothing back.

But also my sense of humor and my obnoxious laugh.   Literally, I would be on the other side of the clinic and people down the hall would hear me.  Im so loud when I laugh and it changes with what I'm laughing at.  I have an evil laugh, a bullshit laugh, i can't stop laughing one.  It varies but its contagious.   But its not my fault.  Most don't realize but I'm mostly deaf in my left ear.  Its a chronic hearing loss that Ive dealt with since high school.  I almost didn't make it into the air force because of it.  So I tend to be louder than what I need to be, but not on purpose

Over time I developed a good sense of working and managing my time.  I became Airman of the Quarter and later Airman of the Year for 2013.  The providers, and people I worked with helped me get to that level.  They say airman like its only you.. but in reality it should be team of the month and team of the year because no one can make it on their own.  You need guidance and great people to surround you to make it.  A support system.... well  more like... a family.  Thats what we all were.

To close this short post.  I again challenge every gay or lesbian to go to your first base and be who you really are.  Show your true colors... yes I totally just pulled my gay card and reference Cindi Lauper.. but dont hold back.  The moment you pretend to be something you're not is the moment they win because you hide behind a mask.  The moment we are free is when we have the greatest potential to make a statement, a mark and a legacy on the units we work in.

LOST... BUT ALMOST FOUND.

So over the past week I have had so much on my mind.  Between the near future and dealing with personal issues now.  It has been a whirlwind of a week.  So I apologize for not posting like usual.  Can you forgive me? :)

They say everything happens for a reason but things are really starting to hit me after being numb for the past 2 weeks.  I am leaving Oklahoma and being retrained in the next few months.  As exciting as this may seem.  It is also an off step from what my original plan was.  While in the middle of putting my commissioning package together back in mid-December I received a notification that I was being retrained as an IDMT; basically a Physician Assistant but no certification or anything.  Its an Air Force thing i guess.  Initially I was pissed and still kind of am bitter about the whole situation.  After 2 years of taking classes nonstop and working towards this moment, I was told by the Air Force no essentially.

Over the next few days I had tried to find every possible loophole to get out and continue my commissioning package.  But there was no alternative.  On the bright side, I can submit my package in 2 years and hopefully get picked up.  My dream for the past 3 years was to commission and become an officer but time and time again something always comes up or puts a delay on my personal timeline to get everything done.

Fast-forward ----> to last week.  I took my immunizations test and finally realized that this was happening. I  am leaving Oklahoma City in April and going to IDMT school for 3 months. And essentially moving to a new base in the fall.  Now your probably wondering what is wrong with that?  That sounds amazing.  Well it is.  But again, its not what I wanted to initially happen.  And now as January nears its end and February is soon to begin.  Everything is now hitting me and things are moving way faster than what I really thought would.  In February I have to start training my replacement and I also have to find a storage unit that will hold  my stuff while I am away.  There is no reason for me to pay rent while I'm not here.  It'll be nice to save money and bank off of what I can.

Personally I have finally realized that I will not be dating for a long time.  2017 will be such a  struggle to even comprehend a relationship on top of the training I will have to endure over the scorching summer not to mention the moving that will probably occur in the fall.  Its not that I am looking for a relationship but its always nice to call or text someone and tell them how my day is.  For the past year thats what I have done and its kinda lonely not hearing from someone that you kept in contact for so long and then all of a sudden be shut out.  I understand why he did it.  It was too painful to watch each other suffer knowing we couldn't be together because of the uncertain future.  While it may not have worked out... maybe in the next few months I'll hear from him and we can remain friends.  Thats what I would like atleast.  Sometimes we just need space away to move on and I understand that completely. Its "the space between."  I def needed a lot of space from my ex in the relationship prior; back in 2015.... that didn't end well but we have settled our issues and made amends...  WOW... I totally just went off topic sorta but I guess thats what I need to do.  Just kinda vent and get a few things off my chest.

Until I move and settle down at my new base.  It will seriously just be me and my friends and my family.  Nothing makes me happier than seeing the people I love and love me as equally back.  In March I will be returning to Philadelphia and seeing so many of my close friends that I haven't seen in a good while.  But I will also be getting more tattoos as well since the Air Force finally changed their tattoo policy.

So despite all the things running through my head and keeping me down.  There is light at the end of the tunnel... or as I see it... light at the end of 2017.  I will be looking forward to seeing my friends in a few weeks.  Attending my retraining and eventually moving to a different base.  Im praying to go back to the East Coast... Andrews, Dover, Langley. Any base in Florida or even Hawaii or Guam.  Basically somewhere near a beach.  

Everything happens for a reason...  I hope to find out the reason for all of this soon.

WEEKEND INTERLUDE:

The purpose of this blog is not to be a "woah is me" ordeal.  Its purpose is to share my stories and what I have been through; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Although the beginning seems rough and not the greatest of situations to be in.  Its something that has changed my life for me as a person, as an individual, and a human being.  Not every bad situation has to be negative.  It can be positive as well by learning what you did wrong or from a bad situation and make sure it never happens again.  That you take what you know now and use it for your benefit in the future.  Just like I hope everyone that reads this will use it for their use in the future.  Whether you are a random person reading this, a friend that I have know for years, another military member gay or straight, enlisted or officer.  We all can benefit from reading about my experiences and using it for future references.

Overall, this is a positive experience to share my stories and give all my readers a new perspective on what its like to be a minority.  To be gay. But also to openly serve in the United States Air Force.  While the early struggles depict a somewhat backlash from some.  I don't hate any of the individuals that put me through hell.  I welcome them back with open arms because not everyone in this world was raised the same way.  Not everyone grew up in the same areas.  Not everyone has the same ideas.  I respect that and hope that maybe one day I can help change their views and ideas on gay individuals in the military.  Some people can change but we have to be realistic and know that this change won't happen overnight.  It took years for DADT to be repealed.  It'll take days, months, and years to change ones ideology of me and others.

People will always hate the things they don't understand.  But I believe if we do have an understanding... then maybe they won't hate, but love...

EARLY STRUGGLES:  PART III

Going into tech school, I feared the unknown.  What was it going to be like?  How would the hours be?  What would my day be like?  Could I go home?

Right off the bat, the first day we were already told the first 6 weeks (EMT) were going to be challenging.  Learning so much EMT stuff in a crunched amount of time and then later 9 Weeks of nursing.  I must admit I was scared.  But after the first few days you kinda got used to it.  It was kind of like college but I was limited on time and everything I did throughout the day was on a schedule.  Pt in the morning on this nasty dirt field.  Legitimately it was supposed to be a football field with grass but its San Antonio, not much grass grows...  Not to mention PT was a joke.  We would do these random exercises and then run.... More exercises then run.  I understood we had to stay in shape but I was 5,10 and 145lbs.  I was good.  Other airmen... Not so much.  They needed to lay off the McD's and BK.  After pt we then class.  2 hours for lunch.  Most of which I napped.  Then more class.  Fort Sam was an interesting place but I liked how close it was to San Antonio and that you could see the skyline from the base track.  It was a beautiful sight to see at sunset.

Tech school was a challenge but thankfully I had 2 amazing instructors that were passionate and liked to teach and wanted us to succeed.  There were others who had different instructors that weren't so great.  Both of my instructors had a lot of background and experience and thankfully had stories to tie into the lessons that we learned on a daily basis.  That was the greatest gainer for me.  Tieing in real-life to what were talking about.  It gave me a great visual.  The first few tests I did fairly well in the high 80s/low 90s but after that I managed to get low 80s.  I was proud of myself.  When we first started we had maybe 30-35 people in our class and by the end we were down to 20.  It was amazing to see but sad because they were all such good people.  They tried, but just didn't make it.  On the weekends we had a 3am curfew for Friday and Saturday nights.  Most people went out and partied while I stayed back and studied or watched movies on my laptop.. yes this was before netflix was popular.  So we had to buy DVDs and play them.  It wasn't until after I passed registry the 2nd time that I went out and about in San Antonio.

Since I failed the first time and passed the second time.  I was separated from the people in my original class and placed in another one.  Granted most of the people in my class were great, there were also a bunch of assholes that didn't miss a moment to show that they didn't like me at all.  But luckily I had made a few good friends outside of my classes. Yazmin and Trevor.  Probably the greatest people in the schoolhouse aside from me haha.  I met them by ease-dropping and kinda budding in their conversation but I don't regret it.  Every Friday we would all go downtown to the riverwalk or Olive Garden or other places around the city.  It was a great time.  Going to Bonhams and dancing the night away. Tipping the male strippers.  Dancing in the main hall.  It was definitely the highlight of my tech school days hanging out with them.  But they graduated about a month before me and left.  It was sad but Trevor came back when I was going through clinicals.

After they left life became a little rough.  Granted I got to go home for my sister's wedding and surprised everyone but some of my classmates were just rude and obnoxious.  They would say some things to me and granted I took it and brushed it off but it just seemed some of the instructors were on their side more than mine.  Some of us had our suspicions as to why but I won't discuss that right now.  Some people are still in the Air Force and I'd rather not open a can of worms.  The people in my class would interrupt me while I was asking questions.  Make snark remarks or had a few code names for me that I eventually caught on to.  Or my favorite is when we had to go everywhere in our SMUs (small marching unit) and they kept saying that they didn't want me behind them because they were afraid.  Finally I had just had it and said "fuck you douchebags" and walked on.  I don't think they saw that coming.  All 3 of their mouths had dropped and I marched alone.  At that point I became an asshole and became petty towards them to make it even.

Eventually time went by and I graduated tech school  Returning to Security Hill at Lackland where I would continue my career progression.  The dorms weren't that great and neither was the chow hall...  But the view from the park at the peak of the hill was amazing.  You could see the whole airfield and San Antonio skyline. I sometimes would wake up in the middle of the night and sit on the swings and look out at the city and wonder where I would end up.  Is this what I wanted to do...  It was a lonely time for me.  All of my friends that were at Lackland for tech school had left.  My friends from Fort Sam went on...   It was just me on the swing looking out into the horizon listening to my iPod and texting whoever was up at that ungodly hour.  A few responses would make me smile, while the sleepers would make me frown but there wasn't much I could do.  Although I was lonely, I felt most of my problems were starting to dwindle.  No longer around negative people.  No longer around the Nursing instructors that I had who were very biased about my ordeal with the negative.  It was an uplifting feeling but I would only learn that just because you feel like its over... Doesn't mean that it really is.  BAMC... now SAMMC was another wall to climb.  Another step.  Another triumph.  Another day in the Air Force...

"ROCKY" AND THE TIES BETWEEN US

The last weekend I spent with my dad before he died, I stayed with him in the hospital all weekend (October 2003).  Just me and him, talking about the future and what he wanted to do when he was better.  During that time we flipped channels and watched a number of movies.  But 2 of them stuck out to me; Rocky and Rocky II.  Now you're probably wondering why those movies? Sly Stallone?  Boxing?... Well to be completely honest they were the last movies we watched together.  

                                       

During the commercials my dad would talk about how much he loved those movies and how one day he would love to go to Philadelphia...  But the more I watched the movies, the more I began to relate to it.  At the time, I was in the 7th grade and at a low point because literally, all I wanted to do was spend time with him in the hospital.  I could care less what my grades were or about homework.  People doubted me in class, even some of my teachers but I fought back and brought my grades up eventually.  I was also struggling with the harsh reality that there was a chance my dad one day would never come home, but I was fighting and praying that everything would be ok.  Yes.. I know I was only 12 but sometimes you have to grow up and think about reality....  I did that at a very young age.  I grew up.    

By the time both the movies ended I was so pumped like every other man in the world that watched those movies and wanted to do something amazing.  My dad saw the spark in my eyes.  Watching Rocky lose then come back and win... it was an amazing storyline.  To show that not everyone wins but can make a comeback was just awesome.   My dad turned and looked at me and said "never quit because the things you want to accomplish are right in front of you.. coprende?"  Of course I said "yes coprende"  That has stuck with me since then.  Through every struggle, injury, class, task, that has stuck with me.  When I want to quit, I hear my dads voice say that to me and I keep on going. When I finally made it to Philadelphia in August 2012... its like everything came full circle and running up the Museum of Art stairs was my gift back to my dad.  I finally made it and experienced the best view you could possibly imagine.  When you're up there and you see the Philadelphia skyline.. its a gateway to endless possibilities. That will always be my favorite place ever.  One day.. and yes i know this is cheesy as hell but one day I wanna get proposed to up there..... But that won't happen for a long time hahaha. 

Unfortunately and sadly, my dad lost his fight to his health issues about a week after we watched those movies together.  My dad fought long and hard for years; being in and out of the hospital.  He was a true champion going in the ring for that long and fighting for his life.  Getting knocked down and returning to the hospital.  And getting back up to fight and come back home to us.  His struggle and fight is what motivates me to keep pushing and moving forward.  

Its really crazy; the day before my dad died my mom and I were in the yard cleaning up and we noticed a rainbow halo above our house.  Not knowing that it was a sign, we both were just fascinated by it and its rare beauty.  We didn't know what the meaning was until the next day when my mother answered the phone and the scream I heard that would change my life forever....  

Although he is gone.  He is always with me.  The sirens and train horn I heard when I graduated BMT is the best sign he could have given me that he was there.  But most of all he was and always will be my champion that I look up to.  Despite going round after round with his health issues.  He fought long and hard to get back up and come back home to us.  His last fight was not a loss but a win for him to be in a better place.  I sometimes still get angry and greedy wishing he was here.  But its selfish in a way because of everything he went through.  Now he's somewhere up in the clouds without any pain or suffering.  He's up there watching me and my family day by day.  I will close this post with this...

"You, me, or nobody is gonna hit hard as life.  But it ain't about how hard you hit.  It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.  How much you can take and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done"  -Rocky Balboa