DATING STRUGGLES

Its always hard dating in the civilian world.  But its even harder in the military.  The uncertainty.  The deployments.  The distance.  It all adds up to being single.  It does not equal taken.  For the past 6 years I have had failed relationships and a few successful ones.  But as of now I am still single.  You're probably wondering... Why?  Well.  It's because of the reasons listed above.  

The problem with being gay and in the military is that like I said before, for most I'm just another checkbox on their bucket list.  "to sleep with a military man"  And while that sounds fun for some.  It makes me feel worthless.  Like I'm just a rag they use and throw back on the counter for the next person to use.  And thats 100% not me.  I like to think of myself as old fashioned.  I like to actually get to know the person before anything else goes further.  Ive seen my friends have sex too early and then the guy their dating never talks to them again.  It's a shame that its what our society has become. Just a hook-up culture.  Now I know this doesn't represent the entire population but thats what is mainstream and all over the tv and in the movies.  

Total.... I've officially been in a relationship with 5 guys since joining.  No I'm not talking about the restaurant.  Im legit talking about dating 5 guys over the course of my 6 year career.  Most lasted a few months, while others a little longer.  Now don't get me wrong... Ive been on a lot of individual dates but most only were one time.  Either they didn't like me or I wasn't interested.  Like I said before... New York was not an easy place to date.  It was a brutal scene where you were either in or out. And if you were out, you had to fight your way back in.  But even though I am not with them anymore (one of the five guys ive dated)...  they each taught me something about myself that has made me a better person.  

1. Never settle for less than what you deserve.  If they are not what they seem then leave them before things get too crazy

2. Always tell them how you feel.  Even if they might get pissed off or upset.  Its better to be open than hide something. 

3.  If you see something you don't like.  Explain why and give them an understanding.  You can't just say you don't like something and not give a reason.  Then you just seem crazy.

4. Never talk about your ex's until after a few months.  Its always annoying to talk about that and leads to awkwardness. 

5.  Long distance sucks.

6.  Never tell them what they want to hear.  Always tell them what you really feel.  Sometimes honesty hurts but is always the key.  

7. Never talk about the future unless its something you really want.  False hope leads to deception.  Deception leads to lies.  Lies lead to break ups. 

8.  Always be yourself.  Don't change for anyone.  Change doesn't happen over night.  It takes time.  You do not have time.  

Now most of the things I listed are things most people have already come to realize but they are what I realized in the past few years.  Its definitely nice to text and call someone daily and feel that you're wanted.  Like someone cares about you but eventually that dies off and you wonder what went wrong?  Did I do something?  Is he doing something?  Its just another phase.  Ive learned that its always cheesy in the beginning and steadily dies off.  Most people think initially its love.  But in reality its just lust.  

To me, love is overly used.  Its the most abusive 4-letter word in the dictionary and used a lot by young gay men.  One Friday they're talking to them.  Saturday they spend all day together and sunday they're in love.  And the next weekend the cycle starts all over again.  Its not something I personally have gone through but its things I've seen over the years.  In all honestly, I've used that word 2x in the past 2 years.  Once for "C' and the other for "A".  "C" was scared to death even though we had been dating for nearly 7 months.  But I guess we all aren't ready at the same time.  I said it to "A" after he told me it first.  I said "i love you too" but it wasn't because he said it to me.  Its because I legitimately felt that for him.  To be honest, "A" was the first person to ever tell me "I love you."  How ridiculous right?  Im 25 and it was the first time someone I was dating ever told me that.  I think thats why it was so painful this time around.  But thankfully I am still friends with both of them.  We have mended our pasts and still keep in touch time to time.  

It so funny to talk about this all because I thought I let go of all these emotions but I guess somewhere in my small black heart I still have feelings for people.  Me and one of my good friends were talking the other day about life and the future.  Its always funny how we talk about wanting to get married, kids, dogs, travel.  We say these things but Ive learned over the past few years is that gay men love to talk about things like that and how they're ready to settle down but the moment they find someone who fits all of those ideas, they get scared and runaway.  Its like.  Why talk about that if you're not ready.  Why date someone if its only temporary.  Why even like someone at all?  For me its all or nothing.  If I get to the point where I like you a lot and we keep dating and talking daily its because I see a future with you.  

If you really think of the people you've been in a relationship in the past 5 years.  Why did you break up?  

   Did you break it off because you fell for someone else? If so, was the other person better?  

   Did you break it off so you can hoe around at a party?  Did you get lucky that night?  

   Did you break it off because you were scared?  Did you want them back after being apart?  

   Did you break it off because you tried everything to make it work but it just didn't?  Do you regret     it?

Ask yourself these questions.  I know I have.  You will truly find out a lot about yourself when you think back and realize what could have been....