THE UNSETTLED BALANCE

For the past 2 years. I have worked hard towards a goal.  I have worked semester after semester.  Taking classes nonstop for a goal that was within my reach and attainable within a reasonable time.  Last Wednesday... I received news that I was accepted to University of South Florida as a nursing major.  I cried.  I honestly didn't know whether to be happy I was accepted, or to be pissed off because I can't go since I'm being forced to retrain.  The fact that I have now been accepted opens a brand new door for 2019.  I have made the decision to separate August 5th, 2019 to attend USF and finishing my Nursing Degree.

Now as you remember from a few posts before I was selected to retrain and I have come to accept those terms but I have ultimately decided to leave the Air Force temporarily.  And yes, I know my job has a re-enslistment bonus but money can't buy my happiness.  I have to do what I want in order to achieve my goals.  Its time for me to make my decisions.  Don't get me wrong, I have given and done everything the Air Force has ever asked me to do but now its time for me to do what is right my career and my future.  Im 25 and pushing 30 it feels like.  Time has gone by so fast the past 6 years and I can only imagine what the next two are going to be like but I'm ready for a whole new world.

Another thing I have considered is I'm definitely coming back into the military as an officer but which branch...  Yes.  I have considered the Navy and Army but only time will tell what I decide to do but I get bored so easily and always want new change.  A challenge.  I want to see new sights and experience new ways of life.  Be stuck on a ship for months at a time.  Be deployed downrate with the tanks and convoys.  To me... Life is way to short to be stuck in one thing.  You have to test the waters and experience things you never thought you would do.  Dive into uncharted territory.  We learn more about ourselves when we are faced with new obstacles than the same routine daily.  No one in their right mind wants that.

If there is anything that I'm sure of at this point is that I will become a nurse and be the best damn one that I can possibly be.  I want to become an officer and set my sights on the new horizon.  But most of all.  I want to stay true to myself and make decisions for myself rather than have someone make them for me.  And who knows.  Maybe I'll get a great offer on the civilian side that outweighs the military side.  All of this unsettled balance...but only time will surely tell what the future holds and what lies beyond the horizon...

DATING STRUGGLES: PART II

I think the biggest fear we all have is the possibility of dying alone.  Not having that connection our grandparents always talk about.  (How they used to write love letters during the wars... How they waited for each other and always stayed true to one another.) Not having someone to talk to daily in the golden years.  Not able to watch kids grow up.  Its personal fear of mine.  I know I'm only 25 but these things occasionally cross my mind.  Its much harder for a gay man to have these things.  Not because its not possible but because of the many barriers we have to overcome to get where we want to be and how to get there.

Yea its easy meeting new people and getting to know them but its not easy finding that connection that sparks something between us.  Its very rare.  You can get on a dating app and find someone that'll please you for about 30min and be on there way.  You can make new friends and stay that way.  But its rare to find someone you truly enjoy all the time and want to be more with them.  Atleast for me anyways.  I never really ask for much from a guy.  Just to be yourself, be honest, and be outgoing.  For me, I love the outdoors and to go hiking and go to the beach.  A lot of gay guys don't necessarily like to hike.  Unless theres a paved pathway lol.  And if we go to the beach some don't even like to go in the water.  But not everyone can be perfect.  I guess I'm just trying to put things into perspective for you about me.  What I like and want for my future and what I like in a guy.

The barriers and burdens of today's generation is technology and being truthful.  Technology has improved our lives in so many ways but has also ruined us as a society.  With technology we can communicate in so many ways.  Facebook.  Skype.  FaceTime.  All are amazing things that have helped keep us in contact with the ones we love when we are so far away.  Especially for people who are deployed from their families.  But then there are somethings that have totally gripped the gay world and ruined a lot of opportunities like Grindr, Scruff, Jackd and whatever else there is out there.  Granted I will say I have met a handful of amazing people on there that I'm friends with today and still keep in contact with but with every pro there is a con.  Not everyone is a "good guy"

Ive been asked out on a few dates on there and I've gone on them; some better than others.  I think the worst thing someone ever asked me is "if you get deployed can we be an open relationship?"  I literally got my shit and walked out.  Like why date if you still wanna be a hoe?.....

But then there is the slew of  faceless profiles, the torso pictures, or the catfishing that happens way too often than it should.  Its kinda degrading to see our society turn to a hook-ups or where we have all these "discreet" men that are honestly whores in disguise.  They claim no one knows about them then you talk you to your friends and they either say hell no or they slept with him.  Like who are you really fooling here? The fact is that you can find someone good on those apps but the moment something goes wrong they go right back on and find a temporary rebound.  Someone to quench their "thirst."  It's like why even get on those apps anyway.  But its the feeling of loneliness I guess.  Thats why I get on there sometimes.  And to make connections. Its always nice to know someone before going to a new base.  Getting a feel for the area and what the people are like.  Every bit of information counts.  Yes, we get sponsors when we PCS but most of the time they don't work out that great.  Its usually hit or miss with them.

Finally being truthful.  I never understand why people lie.  The truth always comes out.  There have been so many times where my gut feeling was right and I chose to ignore it but eventually I came full circle with myself and realized that I was right all along.  But the lust of it all blinded me.  I was dating a guy in New Jersey for a short time and all of a sudden he started ignoring me and said he was "busy."  Then all of a sudden he was tagged in Atlantic City with some guy who was ugly as fuck. But again, why lie?  If you weren't interested anymore or didn't wanna date just tell me rather than lie to my face or rather a text message.  If you break up with someone over a text message you are truly a coward in my opinion.  Man the fuck up and tell them how you really feel and why.  Don't give the reason "its not you, its me" or "I'm just really busy and have no time"  We are all adults and have heard that shit time and time again and it gets old really quick.

Another fun lie, was when I was dating this guy in Philadelphia for a few weeks and he facetimed me with hickies on his neck..  So like anyone else. I asked who gave you those hickies and he said... "his cousin" LMAO.  Like really?!  Thats what you tell me.  Your cousin.  Like we in Alabama or something.  So I told him not to talk to me. Then his girlfriend messages me and said "you two tustve had a great time because he has all those hickies"  I replied "those aren't from me, he said it was his cousin" She lost it and thus, a lie was unraveled and turns out it was sleeping with a coworker of his I had melt before which was the biggest queen I had ever met. I love flamboyant men.  They are so funny and great to hang around with but the fact that he slept with that queen really made me question if I was good enough.

Seriously I date some winners.  (Sarcasm).  The point is, in this day and age, and with technology.  Just be truthful.  Don't lie.  That makes everything worse than what it needs to be.  Honesty is key and if you keep lying, you're just digging yourself your own grave.

You can only dig yourself so deep before a ladder can't reach anymore....

So my advice to all of you; straight, gay, bi.  Put the phone down and experience life.  Get off of your apps and see the world for what it truly is; a wonderful place full of people worth getting to know and share experiences with.  Be truthful and always stand for what you believe in.
 

DATING STRUGGLES

Its always hard dating in the civilian world.  But its even harder in the military.  The uncertainty.  The deployments.  The distance.  It all adds up to being single.  It does not equal taken.  For the past 6 years I have had failed relationships and a few successful ones.  But as of now I am still single.  You're probably wondering... Why?  Well.  It's because of the reasons listed above.  

The problem with being gay and in the military is that like I said before, for most I'm just another checkbox on their bucket list.  "to sleep with a military man"  And while that sounds fun for some.  It makes me feel worthless.  Like I'm just a rag they use and throw back on the counter for the next person to use.  And thats 100% not me.  I like to think of myself as old fashioned.  I like to actually get to know the person before anything else goes further.  Ive seen my friends have sex too early and then the guy their dating never talks to them again.  It's a shame that its what our society has become. Just a hook-up culture.  Now I know this doesn't represent the entire population but thats what is mainstream and all over the tv and in the movies.  

Total.... I've officially been in a relationship with 5 guys since joining.  No I'm not talking about the restaurant.  Im legit talking about dating 5 guys over the course of my 6 year career.  Most lasted a few months, while others a little longer.  Now don't get me wrong... Ive been on a lot of individual dates but most only were one time.  Either they didn't like me or I wasn't interested.  Like I said before... New York was not an easy place to date.  It was a brutal scene where you were either in or out. And if you were out, you had to fight your way back in.  But even though I am not with them anymore (one of the five guys ive dated)...  they each taught me something about myself that has made me a better person.  

1. Never settle for less than what you deserve.  If they are not what they seem then leave them before things get too crazy

2. Always tell them how you feel.  Even if they might get pissed off or upset.  Its better to be open than hide something. 

3.  If you see something you don't like.  Explain why and give them an understanding.  You can't just say you don't like something and not give a reason.  Then you just seem crazy.

4. Never talk about your ex's until after a few months.  Its always annoying to talk about that and leads to awkwardness. 

5.  Long distance sucks.

6.  Never tell them what they want to hear.  Always tell them what you really feel.  Sometimes honesty hurts but is always the key.  

7. Never talk about the future unless its something you really want.  False hope leads to deception.  Deception leads to lies.  Lies lead to break ups. 

8.  Always be yourself.  Don't change for anyone.  Change doesn't happen over night.  It takes time.  You do not have time.  

Now most of the things I listed are things most people have already come to realize but they are what I realized in the past few years.  Its definitely nice to text and call someone daily and feel that you're wanted.  Like someone cares about you but eventually that dies off and you wonder what went wrong?  Did I do something?  Is he doing something?  Its just another phase.  Ive learned that its always cheesy in the beginning and steadily dies off.  Most people think initially its love.  But in reality its just lust.  

To me, love is overly used.  Its the most abusive 4-letter word in the dictionary and used a lot by young gay men.  One Friday they're talking to them.  Saturday they spend all day together and sunday they're in love.  And the next weekend the cycle starts all over again.  Its not something I personally have gone through but its things I've seen over the years.  In all honestly, I've used that word 2x in the past 2 years.  Once for "C' and the other for "A".  "C" was scared to death even though we had been dating for nearly 7 months.  But I guess we all aren't ready at the same time.  I said it to "A" after he told me it first.  I said "i love you too" but it wasn't because he said it to me.  Its because I legitimately felt that for him.  To be honest, "A" was the first person to ever tell me "I love you."  How ridiculous right?  Im 25 and it was the first time someone I was dating ever told me that.  I think thats why it was so painful this time around.  But thankfully I am still friends with both of them.  We have mended our pasts and still keep in touch time to time.  

It so funny to talk about this all because I thought I let go of all these emotions but I guess somewhere in my small black heart I still have feelings for people.  Me and one of my good friends were talking the other day about life and the future.  Its always funny how we talk about wanting to get married, kids, dogs, travel.  We say these things but Ive learned over the past few years is that gay men love to talk about things like that and how they're ready to settle down but the moment they find someone who fits all of those ideas, they get scared and runaway.  Its like.  Why talk about that if you're not ready.  Why date someone if its only temporary.  Why even like someone at all?  For me its all or nothing.  If I get to the point where I like you a lot and we keep dating and talking daily its because I see a future with you.  

If you really think of the people you've been in a relationship in the past 5 years.  Why did you break up?  

   Did you break it off because you fell for someone else? If so, was the other person better?  

   Did you break it off so you can hoe around at a party?  Did you get lucky that night?  

   Did you break it off because you were scared?  Did you want them back after being apart?  

   Did you break it off because you tried everything to make it work but it just didn't?  Do you regret     it?

Ask yourself these questions.  I know I have.  You will truly find out a lot about yourself when you think back and realize what could have been....