By the time I started Phase II training. I was strong but weak. I was hurt but healed. I was confident but nervous. Leaving Fort Sam, I went right back where I started; Lackland AFB. This time on Security Hill though. It was an isolated part of base but it was nice in its own way. Being far from the trainees at basic training, and the park that overlooked the flight line and in the distance the San Antonio skyline. To be honest it was my favorite place. At night I would walk to the park and sit on the swing. Swaying back and forth watching the C17s land and take off. Looking out at the city and the colorful lights that highlight the building's walls. It was my place of peace and security from the shit that I had been though.
I had hoped that SAMMC would be a change. A new defining moment for me and it was but I still had issues and fucking morons to deal with. Every shift that I worked was an exciting experience. Seeing patients and making a small but significant difference in their lives. Yes I'm getting cheesy but its true. The smallest things in life can make the biggest differences for an individual.
The shift I dreaded the most was the army-supervised shift in the ER. From the moment I entered... this damn Staff Sergeant in the army had it out for me. I honestly didn't know why. Everyone else he treated like his own family and me, i was treated with disgust. I did everything he told me to and gave accurate information every time but it just wasn't enough for him. One day I was assisted a patient move and the provider told me to take him to the elevator and wait for him. So I did. All of a sudden that damn Staff Sergeant came running out screaming at me that that patient shouldn't be moved without someone with me. When i tried to explain that the provider and patient were ok with me moving him, He just didn't wanna listen and told me to pack my bags and head back to Lackland, that I was done.
Every step I took was just a shame. I felt like I had done something wrong even though I knew for a fact that I didn't. I sat in the locker room stripping away my scrubs and began to put my ABUs back on when the provider and another Air Force Sergeant walked in and told me to get back on the floor and they will talk to the Army Staff Sergeant. As I put on my scrubs and wiped away the tears, I regained some confidence but fear still lingered in the back of my mind. But what happened next is the apex of the whole situation. As I walked out the locker room, I could hear them all arguing in the offices that sat just outside the locker room. "I don't want that faggot in my ER!!!" That was it. The word that I hate so fucking much that it makes me so angry and tremble all over. The word that would cause me to lose my temper. The word that some people may use for jokes or some other bullshit but him. He used it in the derogatory way.
It was the answer I wanted to hear and was waiting for. I walked in on their argument and said, "then i will leave and ask to be transferred to a different department. If not i can get legal involved." I had never seen someone freeze up so fast in their life. As if they had seen ghost or something of that magnitiude. Suddenly the hallway got quiet and before anything else was said. I walked away and grabbed all my belongings. I came back out and they all tried to apologize but I was not having it. I was so angry that the only words that would come out of my mouth were yes, no, I'm not staying.... It was just unfathomable that this was happening to me again. As if what he said was ok and nothing would become of it. Eventually they kept me on shift and made Army Staff Sergeant go home. I don't know what became of him after that day but I didn't have to work that shift anymore with him. They reviewed my schedule and shifted him out to accommodate my schedule so that I would graduate on time. I never saw that man again but I hope to God that that moment when I overheard him and stepped in changed his life on how to communicate to people. How to talk about people and most importantly to be a fucking adult and get over it.
You may not like me. You might say shit about me. But at work. You will respect me and I will give you the same courtesy. Especially in the ER. Im there to do my job, but not only that. Im there to do it fucking well. And if you are intimidating people because you're homophobic then you are hurting not only your shift but also the patients that can't get help because you're a man or woman short.
At this point. My hopes and aspirations have been shot. I didn't really want to be in anymore. I had given up so much on the hope that maybe I could go somewhere, where I would be accepted and not feel like a burden or feel so much hatred. And granted your probably thinking a lot of this stuff is minor and it is. But it all adds up and becomes a huge deal. It makes us question why we even try. Why we even keep fighting. Why even keep moving forward. And the answer is....life. Life is too short to stay in one place. Life is too short to let people walk all over you. Life is too short to give up. We must continue to find acceptance and the pursuit of happiness...
