THE LOVE TRILOGY: SAN DIEGO CLIFFS

You were there for me
When the previous one failed
I turned to you and you helped me
You wanted to jump on board
I was not ready to let you on this ship

Months go by of touch and go
It was hit or miss when we talked
I was too scared to get hurt again
Falling ill you still showed that you cared
Even when I was not all in

Stars aligned miraculously
Duty stations matched
We were in Charleston
For once, you showed me
The better side of guys

The weekend was amazing
My family loved you
First introduction in 7 years
Nervous is an understatement
Relieved is the aftermath

San Diego awaited us
The fog settled in
The rain poured
Still we ventured out
Your giraffes we found

My heart drifted
Looking down I saw your flaws
Black and orange on your phone screen
Cold sweats began
Doubts arise, trust breaks

Excuses poured and I believed
Still I stayed, though my heart said otherwise
Family was beautiful
Cliffs and mountains were breathtaking
Hillcrest was typical rainbow

I soon found while looking over the cliffs
You no longer feel the same
My heart was crushed, hope was lost
I tried to nonchalantly play it off
But I was truly dying inside

The first person to say the L-word to me
It was all over
The fear I initially had came true
Celebrated new years
Didn't talk for months

Now you are a close friend
Dear to my heart
Everything happens for a reason
We see clearly now over the Florida beach
Sometimes I wanna picture us again

On those San Diego Cliffs...

THE LOVE TRILOGY:  ARIZONA DESERT

It was unexpected finding you
The long facetime that would go on through the night
Laugh and joke we were never be bored
Always finding things in common
Traveling to see one another.

Sunrise and sunset over the mountains that surround the valley
The steam of the dry sand rises above
Tombstone gunslingers walk the town
No dates at the local bar
In uniform we'd finally see

Just me and you.
Monsoon rains fall in small patches
Who wouldve though we'd get this far
The white man of the hot valley
Someone I'd never thought I would call my own

Foolishly I romanticized from the get-go
Hard to leave you the first time
Though it would not be the last
Id rather relive the weekend than make it a part of the past
Time flew by and you came to tornado alley

The rush and feels roared back to my heart
Although I questioned if yours drifted apart
The dinner, the town, the memorial
Travel to the mountains and hike up we went
Surrounded the camp fire with good friends

Next day would be our last
Though I did not know at the time
It would become a thing of the past
Days end and nights begin
The bond between us seemed to fade

We finally ended in a unsettling way
Holidays were lonely
Disappointed I drank to sleep
The person I said the L-word to
Suddenly was scared away.

Months go by and you apologize
Years go by without a word
Spring turned to summer
Summer faded into fall
Though you occasionally pop in my mind

Out of sight we mended it all
Slowly rekindled a new friendship
Feelings come back the moment I see you again
The 4th of July with you and friends
Watching the fireworks from Security Hill

The skies divide from the park
Could this be a sign of us coming out of the dark
Running back into the light
I knew I still felt something
But didn't want to admit it until you told me too

Look where we are now
Where we have been
The roads have led us to each other
Time after time again
We still bug the shit out of each other

Though it did not work out at the time
I forgive you for all that happened
The time was not right
Distances were far apart
Though I often think about how we fell hard

In the Arizona Desert...

THE ETERNAL NIGHTMARE

They say after someone close to you dies that it should get easier to accept it as time goes by.  Suns rise and fall over the distant horizons.  Another day further away from the last time you saw them alive.  It hurts and it sucks.  My mother and I recently had a conversation that it should get better.  But the fact that my dad died almost 15 years ago still hurts just as it did the morning I found out.  But it doesn't help that I still have nightmares about it.  I think I've only told my sister once about a small part of this nightmare never really admitting it all.  And recently on a trip to New Orleans I had the nightmare in the car and startled my friend how abruptly I woke up and shaken I was.

Its never easy admitting your flaws.  But I think the death of my dad taught me to appreciate everyone in my life.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Sometimes I think I grow too attached to the people I care about because I don't want to lose them.  But at 26, I'm starting to think that I'm getting to the point where life starts taking things rather than giving them back.  But here is the nightmare;

I being to relive that fateful morning.  I was laying in bed and my alarm went off at 630am.  I didn't want to get up yet so I lay there a few extra minutes.  Randomly at 640 the phone rings and I hear my mom pick up the phone and quietly talk into the phone.  Then all a sudden I hear her scream and I get up to hear her frantically crying telling me that my dad had died.  She continues to run past me down the stairs to nanny's room.  It takes me a minute to process it.  The cold sweats drip down my face.  My hands and feet being to become numb and tingling.  I begin to cry I blankly stare down the stairs an start to walk down.  Suddenly the floor opens to a black hole and I immediately fall into it as I frantically try to hold on to the floor boards of the stairs but they begin to creak and fall in.

The black hole is like a long tunnel of memories. Each showing the different times I had with my dad and family.  Still crying I reminisce about the past.  As quick as the memories pass by, I'm out of the dark hole of nothingness.  I begin to open my eyes and I am in Grandma Shirley's house (dad's mom).  Sitting on the couch with my sisters; Nicole holding my niece Katie, Jamie while my brother sits in my moms lap in the small chair across from us.  My grandparents sitting close by with my dads siblings and my cousins.  I smile and hear the laughter of everyone like old times at Christmas time when we would all get together.  Grandma call's for my dad "Mark come out here" but he doesn't show up.  She calls again but no response and he doesn't come into the living room with us.  The room all of sudden becomes silent yet everyones mouths are still moving.  I look around confused and lost.  The rooms beings to spin slowly and I hear my dads voice calling me from outside.  Only his voice was the one I would hear at my tee ball games.  " Come on Anthony!  You can do it..."  "Hit the ball"

I stand up and no one notices me walking away.  Its like I didn't exist.  The room becomes cold and lonely.  As they sit there, they don't see me, they don't hear me, or feel me grabbing all of their arms trying to get their attention and tell them that I hear my dad outside.  I look around the house and I can't find him anywhere. Desperately walking towards the backyard, there was nothing there either.  Just the large pine tree and the tire swing swaying in the wind.  The clotheslines creaking as the wires scrape the medal poles the support them.  Finally I hysterically  open the front door of the house and look around for my dad.  Sadly nowhere is he to be found.  My last resort, I go outside the wooden fence and look to the left down the curve of the street but he isn't there.  Only the neighboring houses and the cars parked in their driveways. Looking down at the concrete with my hopes dwindling I consider giving up. Suddenly I hear him call my name.  His voice was coming from behind me.  He stood under the pine trees and angel oaks about 100 yards down the long straight away that led to my grandparents house.

Paralyzed, I stare at him in disbelief.  But he was there.  The greatest dad you could ask for was standing right there in front of me.  A rush of energy flows through me and I started to run towards him.  I soon grow tired and I realize that he was getting further away.  Time begins to speed up and the sun that started at sunrise was quickly moving to the mid-day position in the sky.  Despite getting more and more exhausted I keep running.  Attempting to get a hug and jump into his arms again.  The sun slowly continues to descend towards the horizon and there is nothing I can do.  The cold gets even more brutal.

The last bit of sunlight fades below the distant land and I fall to the ground.  My knees and hands are scraped from the road that I fall on.  I look up and I see him in his paramedic uniform.  The way I remember him best.  But before I know it, his body disappears and I see his face one last time before he fades into the invisible.   I devastatingly  hear him call my name one last time.  The colors of the sky being to darken and the street lights that line the road begin to slowly turn on one by one.  The pain rushes into my chest, my heart, my soul, my future, the emptiness of being without him.

I ball my eyes and hear my mom scream behind me, looking for me.  As I muster the strength to get back up and walk back to her and my family the street starts to crack and buckle beneath my feet.  The ground crumbles beneath my feet and I look up at my mom as I fall into another black hole and I wake up.....

While most will read this and think it is nothing or just something small.  It's the nightmare that keeps me awake at night.  Its the nightmare that abruptly wakes me up in the middle of a nap.  Its what still gets me nearly 15 years later.  I hope that maybe telling people about this personal trial will help them with the losses they have endured and the pain that still lingers years later...